


our souls grow cold

by escapism_addict



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: ... at some point lol, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Sokka (Avatar), Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Firelord Zuko (Avatar), Fluff, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Idiots in Love, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Miscommunication, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Zuko (Avatar) Tries His Best, Zuko (Avatar) is Bad at Feelings, and they will get one, cause that is criminally underrated, they are idiots your honor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27884500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escapism_addict/pseuds/escapism_addict
Summary: In the first year after the war, Sokka and Zuko have a romantic relationship together which they are forced to hide from the public. The world is mending slowly and Sokka is required to come back to the Southern Water Tribe to follow his father’s footsteps and one day to become Chief. Zuko must stay in the Fire Nation as Firelord and work to rebuild his broken nation.This separation between the two boys causes more problems than expected and they both struggle.Miscommunication, assassination attempts, demons from the past, and family relatives getting in the way, it seems like fate is fighting against them. They learn more about themselves and each other, discover truths, bond with friends and try to forget about their once perfect lives together, all while attempting to maintain world peace and harmony.All of that is easier said than done.How far will they have to go to create their own destiny together? How much pain will have to be caused in order for one to realize that their love is worth it?And will they find their way back to each other in the end?
Relationships: Sokka & The Gaang (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 61
Kudos: 74





	1. he's leaving home

The sun peaks over the horizon causing heat to swell in their obnoxiously big and red bedroom as the rays caress the soft, silky covers. Particles of dust float past the beams of light, but other than that the air is still, calm and fresh. That comforting feeling of waking up peacefully in your bed after a fulfilling nights rest fills Zuko’s chest, but then suddenly disappears as his mind catches up to his body and reminds him of what he’d been trying so hard to forget.

Sokka is leaving today.

Sokka, the boy who is currently laying, limbs loose and tangled everywhere, hair knotted and covering his face, right next to Zuko in his bed. (Their bed.) The boy who had been living in the Fire Nation with Zuko as things settled after the war, who was bursting with ideas, solutions, whom filled what Zuko lacked, a half of a whole. They worked well together, everyone knew it. The advisors, the council, their friends, they all saw how one brought out the best in the other, how they silently communicated without so much as blinking. How one pushed and another pulled, a mutual harmony between the two making it very easy for others to work with them as well, even if they lacked such a connection.

Zuko had grown fond of the Water Tribe boy and they even hung out after meetings, which were never truly boring when Sokka attended, and they became really good friends. But to the public, to the advisors, to almost everyone in the world, that’s all they were. Friends.

At first it was nothing serious. Of course they spent some extra time together, of course they had inside jokes, they spent everyday working together for months. Of course they were a little more affectionate to each other as they grew closer, that’s what friends do. It was all justifiable. It was all reasonable, easy to brush over. But then they started kissing. A lot. And sleeping together. (Just sleeping).Often.

But come on, they were two questioning, teenage boys who had survived a war together, broken out of prison together, how could they not be fond of each other? After the shithole that the war was they deserved to have some fun and mess around together alone. Sure, playing pranks on old men or running scams with Toph was fun, but secretly making out with Sokka in a royal closet was something else. It was when Zuko got to actually feel like a normal teenage boy, breaking rules and doing stuff he wasn’t supposed to and exploring romance. Having a meaningless few flings with his best friend.

That was all it was meant to be. Two boys, letting off steam with each other and exploring their sexualities, just a bit of fun. But this was Sokka, one can’t kiss him and then not crave it every second of the day after. One can’t forget his piercing,blue eyes staring you down in the corridor, his beautiful, brown skin, his stupidly cute smile. Ultimately, Zuko caught feelings and he caught them bad and according to Sokka, he caught them too. So, now their little moments became more frequent, their kisses more passionate, their times together shopping or walking alone more romantic. Everything had more meaning attached to it, and that scared them both.

After a few months of being together, they told a few friends, most of whom, not so surprisingly, already knew, and it went well. They were all supportive and genuinely happy for the pair, but their sympathy looks didn’t go unnoticed. Everything was looking up and the boys grew closer and closer, getting to know each other better and better. Each flaw and imperfection of the two of them slowly revealed and dealt with, each hidden talent or little quirk discovered as well. The boys grew impossibly close. The type of relationship were you spend most of your time thinking about them or what they would say, bragging to others about them, dreaming about them.

Sokka meant the world to Zuko, and that terrified him. Especially since other than their closest friends and a select few servants who were unfortunate enough to catch them together and swore wouldn’t speak a word of it, no one else knew about their relationship and that was kind of a big deal. Zuko is the Firelord, Sokka an esteemed Water Tribe Ambassador and heir to be Cheif of the Southern Water Tribe. A relationship between the two is the business of millions of people and could have major global consequences.

This issue especially arose when Sokka decided he wanted to tell Hakoda about their relationship. Hakoda was brutally honest, but perhaps for the best, it’s easier to hear the hard truth from a familiar face. The truth being that their relationship simply cannot be. They both have worldly duties, Sokka must return to the Southern Water Tribe in due time and Zuko must stay in the Fire Nation, find a wife and create an heir. On top of this, the boys weren’t in love, they weren’t engaged, there was no need to inform the public about something that may not even last, because if it didn’t, their break up could cause global conflict that is irreversible, shredding the already weak bonding between the nations.

That is what Hakoda said anyway. Zuko wasn’t sure if he agreed, but agreeing made sense and he knew that he had to place his personal needs behind his worldly duties and honour. A real, pubic relationship, could end in drama, conflict which Zuko didn’t have time for, just a mere distraction from much bigger problems he had to deal with.

Sokka had argued against Hakoda, Zuko remained silent. Perhaps that in itself revealed everything that needed to be said.

The two boys themselves even fought a few times about it. Zuko regretted what he said every time, unsure of where these opinions were coming from, but knowing that he must do what was best for his people every time. Besides, Hakoda had said it wouldn’t last anyway and Hakoda probably knew best. People as nice as Sokka rarely stay in Zuko’s life for long periods of time, separation is inevitable and it’s best the public don’t know when that separation occurs.

Uncle had always said that destiny was a funny thing, perhaps the spirits find it humorous to tease Zuko with a relationship that could not last, that had to remain a secret. They’ve mocked Zuko plenty of times before in his life, his failures are a reoccurring joke at this point. Toying with his feelings, messing with his head, it’s nothing new. Zuko just wished that Sokka didn’t have to be part of the joke this time, he wished that Sokka could at least be spared.

But then again, maybe Sokka wasn’t actually attracted to Zuko as much as he thought. Maybe going home will be a treat for him, home to his family, his life long friends, people he actually loves. Sokka belongs on the South Pole and he will grow up to be an unbelievable leader who will help their Tribe flourish. Sokka was never at home in the Fire Nation, in the enemy territory. He was never in love with Zuko either. Him leaving is for the best. It is all for the best.

Zuko snaps back into the present when Sokka’s body shifts, waking up from his slumber. Sokka groans at the light and practically throws his face back into the pillows, but after a few moments of silence he looks back up, his cool, icey eyes landing on Zuko’s. Sokka slowly blinks a few times, and then grins softly.

“Morning. Whatcha thinking about, pretty boy?”

His voice is slurred and thick with sleep, eyes still hazy and focused. Those eyes will be leaving soon, his bed will be empty, bare. Zuko will be all alone and Sokka will be having the time of his life back in his home with his family.

This is for the best.

Zuko has to blink rapidly and look away in order to hold back tears.

“Nothing.” He mutters and Sokka gives a dramatic sigh, leaning closer to press up against Zuko’s side.

“Why did I even ask?” He whispers and then clears his throat, speaking more seriously, “Zuko, I’m not leaving forever, I’ll come to visit, I swear. You can even come to the South Pole whenever you like. We’ll write too, keep in touch. This isn’t some sad fucking breakup, no matter what your dramatic brain is trying to tell you. We will see each other again. Soon.”   
  


“I know.” Zuko says softly, not even surprised that Sokka knew exactly what he was thinking about even though he didn’t vocalize a single thought. And it’s true, he does know that Sokka will write and visit, but visiting will never be the same as practically living with him and working with him every day. Visiting Sokka once every few months at most will be nowhere near as fulfilling as waking up next to him almost everyday, to eating every meal with him, to sharing every problem with him, to taking every walk with him. Nothing will be the same and their friendship, let alone romantic relationship, is bound to suffer as not only they physically separate, but their souls loose connectivity, drift apart, make new, fresh memories and learn to live without each other.

That thought sends a shiver down Zuko’s spine.

_Learn to live without each other._

Zuko doesn’t think he can. Mother is gone, Uncle is in Ba Sing Se and now Sokka is leaving him too. Each one of them left under completely different circumstances, each one of them a different hurt, but a hurt all the same. Zuko doesn’t know how much more hurt he can take.

Sokka looks Zuko up and down and then opens his arms slightly.

“Come here.” He says, gesturing towards himself, “It’s way too early to be thinking about this.”

Zuko huffs a laugh, but complies leaning into Sokka’s arms and wrapping his around the other’s back.

“Sokka, it’s already noon.” He says into his shoulder.

“Exactly. Way too early.” Sokka whispers and tightens his grip around Zuko, closing his eyes once again. He may be gone soon, but for now he is right here and Zuko is going to make the most of every second of it.

* * *

The day goes by faster than Zuko can process it all. They all act as if it is a normal day. The boys eat meals together, chat together, fake their fucking happiness together. Zuko tries to smile at Sokka’s corny jokes, he tries to remember to laugh, but his mind is looping a never ending set of thoughts.

_He’s leaving, he’s leaving, he’s leaving-_

Those thoughts hurt too much, so he refuses to think. Constantly talking, laughing mirthlessly, kissing desperately. He shoves his mouth into Sokka’s firmer and more violently than ever before, that Sokka even flinches back and he has to apologise. Anything will do though, anything to not think.

Later, Sokka hugs Zuko and then Sokka cries. His shoulders tremble and his eyes wet Zuko’s clothes and Zuko doesn’t know how to feel so he doesn’t. Sokka laughs shakily and apologises and then they go about as if nothing has even happened. It all feels so wrong. Thousands of words unspoken between them, tears held back, emotions repressed. They haven’t even been separated and yet they have started to drift, to close off. It’s not supposed to be like this. Everything feels so wrong.

Sokka leaves in the evening time with Hakoda. Zuko watches him as he walks onto the boat. Sokka runs back and hugs Zuko one last time and they squeeze each other together so hard it hurts. But then it’s over after a moment. Sokka smiles a pained smile at Zuko.

“You better write to me everyday, you hear? And come and visit, I can show you how to hunt and fish and- yeah, just come.” Sokka says and all Zuko can manage is to nod.

“I’ll see you soon.” Sokka says at last.

“Yeah.” Zuko says. They lock eyes for a second, not a moment more and then Sokka turns and joins his father on the boat. Zuko stands awkwardly on the land, watching them depart. Sokka waves to Zuko as they leave. It’s all very anticlimactic in the end, no sudden change of mind, no dramatic turn around, just a little dot disappearing into the horizon, it’s destination on the other side of the world. And then they’re gone.

Zuko is left alone once again. His nation and his people waiting for him, depending on him.

It’s better this way.

(The spirits really love thier games.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! this chapter can sort of been seen as a prologue or intro, but I still hoped you enjoyed it. chapter two will be up in the next week, so feel free to stick around for that. also everyone is welcome to leave any constructive criticism or feedback in the comments, everything is greatly appreciated <3  
> thank you again and see you soon :)


	2. he’s coming home

The boat swaying back and forth rhythmically, a light breeze combing through his hair, the scent of moist, salty air and the sound of water splashing up against the wood all bring a feeling of familiarity to Sokka. A feeling of home. 

He hasn’t left the front deck of the boat, silently watching as the land moves further and further away, an orange glow illuminating it due to the sunset. His aching arms tell him that he has been leaning on the rail staring back at the Fire Nation for a long while now, yet his Dad hasn’t asked him to help out with the boat at all, so maybe it hasn’t been very long, or maybe Hakoda is trying to give him space. He should be offering to help, Sokka knows that much, but he can’t take his eyes off the coastline of the land, the place he grew familiar with, happy in.

He definitively isn’t going to miss the annoying, hot weather, or constantly having to be surrounded by bright red, or the snarky, stubborn advisors he sometimes had to work with, but even after all the pain the Fire Nation has caused, it managed to steal a space close to his heart. Sokka misses the South Pole, his home, but he also misses travelling around with all of his best friends and being in an endless rush around the world. And now he thinks he’s going to miss the Fire Nation as well.

Or maybe just Zuko.

Maybe the reason why he coped with the weather, the people, the red and the food was because he knew he got to stay with Zuko and work with Zuko. Maybe the reason why he stayed for so long even after his other friends left, was because the good outweighed the bad, by a lot, and the good being Zuko of course. 

He never thought he would befriend the angry, jerk boy who had chased them across the world, but he also never thought he would end up fighting along side the Avatar to end to war, yet here he is. Sokka did more than befriend the young Firelord though, they were together and really close.

It had been a hell of a year after the war ended. Sokka doesn’t like thinking about the very beginning of the end of the war, but after a month, once things had settled, and every single day after that, he has so many memories attached to the Fire Nation and Zuko. It had been such an incredible experience and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. But that had been all it was, an experience. Some temporary figment in time that Sokka will do everything in his power to not forget, but now that figment in time was over and it was time to move on, as much as he didn’t want to. 

Sokka was son of Chief Hakoda of the Southern Water Tirbe. That came with responsibility, duties, roles to fulfil, all of which Sokka was more than ecstatic to pursue, but he just wishes that he could fulfil them without having to leave Zuko. He wishes the whole friend group could stay together and work together and just be together. The universe doesn’t have time for some teenager’s wishes though, and the population of the world is depending on people like Aang and Zuko to step up and help lead them, guide them through everything. 

For some reason, the world comes before friends and Sokka can’t change the fact that everyone believes that, no matter how obscure and wrong he thinks it is.

Sokka sighs and folds further into his arms. 

He hates himself for being so down and lacking excitement or enthusiasm, but he can’t bring himself to not feel bad about leaving the Fire Nation. Maybe it’ll be better in a few weeks, after he forgets about all this and goes penguin sledding or something. Yeah, that sounds nice. But why would he ever want to forget? He wants every moment with Zuko to be engraved into his mind for all of eternity, to never be forgotten or faded, but he also doesn’t want to spend time being sad and reminiscing when in reality it isn’t even that bad. They are going to see each other again, just not for a while. Or in the same way. Because they can’t be together. _Ever._

  
Fuck.

“It’s getting pretty late Sokka. You should probably head in and get some rest.” 

And there is Hakoda. Sokka forces himself to plaster on a small smile and turns to face his dad. 

“Okay, yeah, I’ll do that. I am actually pretty tired.” Sokka goes to move past Hakoda, but a firm hand on his shoulder stops him.  
“Are you okay son? You’ve been staring out at the sea for a while now. Something on your mind?” 

_Everything is on my mind, what wouldn’t be? You’re taking me away from my-_

“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired, like i said. I can’t wait to go back home.” Sokka reassures and Hakoda smiles softly back at him, seemingly oblivious to how Sokka is desperately holding back tears. 

“I’m glad. We’ve missed you back in the Tribe. I’m sure everyone will be delighted to see the brilliant man you’ve become.” Hakoda says and releases Sokka’s shoulder. 

“Thanks Dad.”

“Sleep well. You’ll need plenty of rest for when we arrive.”

Sokka grins once more and makes his way through the door and down the stairs to below the deck. He enters the room where his hammock hangs and bags lay on the floor, feet dragging slightly and head dropping. He sloppily pulls his hair tie out, letting his wolf tail fall out and his hair rest on the tips of his shoulders. 

Sokka lays down on his blue hammock, resting his arms behind his head, staring up at the ceiling above. It feels awfully bare, cold and alone down here. 

At night he wouldalways take a hold of Zuko’s wrist from his desk and drag him into their bed. Zuko would protest slightly but allow himself to be dragged by Sokka and Sokka would take out his head piece and ruffle his dark, soft hair with his fingers. Zuko would always blush without fail and smile slightly and Sokka would laugh at how cute he was with his messy, fluffy, very informal hair. They would chat a little bit, catch up on what happened during the few hours that they weren’t together during the day. Sokka would always greatly exaggerate all of his stories, but it was worth it to hear Zuko’s little chuckles. Eventually they would run out of things to update each other on and grow tired and they would both slip into the bed together. Although living in the Fire Nation was like living in a furnace, Sokka would still snuggle up next to Zuko, who was always so naturally warm and comforting as if the actual sun was pumping through his veins. Sokka didn’t care if it made him really warm and sweaty and gross by the morning, he pressed his full body up against Zuko’s and held on tightly to the boy as they both drifted off into sleep. 

Zuko would always be gone come morning time, rising with the sun and all, and Sokka’s arms would miss the presence of his warm body next to him, but knowing that he was there the whole night and that everything was okay, was enough. Besides, if Zuko did stay in bed past sunrise that normally meant something was very wrong or unnatural. However, although Sokka loved his sleep, he would rarely go back to bed once he woke up and noticed Zuko’s absence. Without him the bed felt alarmingly large and he felt out of place, so he would get up almost immediately and start his day. 

Now, laying in his hammock, he felt that same out of place feeling, that urge to get up and go find wherever Zuko was working, or meditating, or training. He felt like a misfit on this boat, like him being here was a mistake and that he forgot something very important in the Fire Nation. ( _Zuko._ ) He felt uncomfortable and uneasy, each rock of the hammock bringing a sickly feeling instead of the normal one of familiarity and safety. Each movement too strong, the air too cold, the room too empty. 

Maybe he just needs some time to get used to being on a boat again. Maybe it had just been too long since he had been at sea, and soon it will bring that same comfort. Maybe soon, calling the South Pole home won’t cause that twisting feeling in his heart. That ache, that distant pain that he shoves down further and further away. That stinging in his eyes, that dryness in his throat. 

The South Pole _is his home_. 

He _wants_ to go home.  
To his family, his friends, his people. He’s just a bit nervous, that’s all. 

Just some stupid nerves. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at that another chapter!!  
> ik this is very short and not much is happening but i promise things will get going shortly and that the chapters will be longer.  
> anyway i hope you’re enjoying it and thank you so much for reading <3  
> see you some time next week :))


	3. he left this behind

Zuko didn’t sleep very well that first night after Sokka left, in his room alone, the silence ominous, the creaking of the floorboards and the rustling of the curtains all the more loud. His thoughts all the more loud. He went out for a walk at midnight, easily sneaking past his guards, not bringing anything, not even shoes. He thinks it’s quite a healthy habit of his, to go out walking instead of sitting in a room surrounded by merciless thoughts filling his head. It’s either walk, work or suffer. According to Sokka working for days and night on end in order to distract himself hadn’t been the healthiest thing in the world, and Sokka is rather smart, so Zuko went for a walk instead. 

He walked and walked and walked until he felt the rising of Agni through his blood and in his breathing. He hadn’t intended to go around walking through random allies of the capital for this long, but there he was and he figured some extra exercise couldn’t hurt. He easily found his way back to the palace and snuck back into his room without so much as altering a single person. (He considered reevaluating his security after that trip.)

Zuko slipped into his formal robes, tied up his hair, skipped breakfast because the idea of eating alone without Sokka seemed too strange, and went about his normal schedule. 

And now here he is, working away at meaningless files, worthless laws. Zuko loves his job and he loves restoring harmony in the world, driving his passion for peace and happiness, a world without conflict, and knowing he can help restore the honour of the Fire Nation gives him great pride, no doubt about it. But sometimes the papers are daunting, the meetings seem like they are getting nowhere, problem after problem arising, the council discussions constantly circulating and repeating, and in those moments he really dislikes his job. 

Then he typically hates himself for being ungrateful and not hard working enough, but that is besides the point. Even one single thought about his papers being stupid and he forces himself to sit up straighter, concentrate more, write even faster, work even longer, because that is what his people deserve. Someone who will work hard for them, someone who loves rebuilding the nation and will give up anything for their people. Someone who has no limits and will work no matter what, because the lives of millions rests upon their shoulders. Zuko has many, many limits. But he tries to break all of them, for his people. He still isn’t too sure how his Uncle trusts him with all of this responsibility, even though it has been over a year now, but he is sure that he will use this power to make his Uncle and his nation proud. 

While working in his office, filling out endless documents, reading and signing countless papers, Mai comes in. Zuko doesn’t hear her come, but more feels her presence suddenly and doesn’t even look up for the work in front of him when he says,  
“Hey.”

Silence. Zuko risks a glance upwards. Mai is looming in the doorway, robes long and loose as always, staring at Zuko with an intense gaze, as if trying to read him.  
“Hey.” She finally replies, “I haven’t seen you all day.”  
Zuko can’t help but feel some guilt rising in his chest, but he pushes that back down quickly. 

“Sorry, I was busy working, and I still am.”  
“Right, working.” She mutters and rolls her eyes, but then makes eye contact again, her eyes narrowing some more. “So he really left?”  
Zuko puts down the brush in his hand and sighs, knowing exactly what ‘he’ she is recurring to.  
“Yes. This isn’t a surprise Mai, he was always going to leave.” He says with slight annoyance.  
Mai sighs and comes up to Zuko, leaning on his desk while looking at her nails nonchalantly.  
“You two are such idiots.” She says in her monotone, unamused voice. 

“What do you want Mai?”  
Mai turns to face Zuko and then squints at his face and then his hands, and then his face again. She gently takes his chin in the tips of her fingers and tilts it upwards, inspecting him. Mai’s sharp nails against Zuko’s sharp jawline. Zuko stares up at her grey eyes for a moment, curious as to what Mai is doing, but trusting her all the same. There are only a few people Zuko lets touch his face and Mai happens to be one of them, otherwise she would have been pinned against the wall, flame threatening her by now if she wasn’t. 

“Did you sleep at all?” She whispers. 

Zuko moves his gaze, self consciously dipping his head back down and swats her hand away. He goes back to staring at the writing in front of him on his desk.  
“That doesn’t concern you.” He says bitterly.  
“Zuko-”  
“I said it doesn’t concern you.” He snaps.  
“Fine.” Mai settles, “At least come with me down to the dining hall to get something to eat.”  
Zuko pinches the bridge of his nose. “Mai I’m busy-”  
“Bullshit.” She interrupts, “Come on, I don’t want to be eating alone.”  
“Just take a guard with you or something.” Zuko suggests.  
“Those lame, boring, shells of people? No thanks.”  
“Speaking of I’m actually thinking of replacing them-” Zuko thinks out loud.  
“And we can talk about that over dinner. Come on.”

Mai takes a hold of Zuko’s wrist and he lets himself be helplessly dragged away from his desk, knowing he was never going to be able to convince her to leave him alone. It feels all too similar to how Sokka would drag him from his desk as well. Mai smirks and pulls him down the various corridors, passing guards and servants, a tight grip on their hands. 

They end up eating and chatting together, despite Zuko’s lack of an appetite or energy to be talking this much, and Zuko actually enjoys himself. Sokka doesn’t come up at all at the table, and Zuko is incredibly grateful, as he is certain hearing his name might make him start to cry. Even if only momentarily, he forgets about the previous days events and even smiles a bit with his much loved childhood friend. 

They briefly mention the idea of new guards, since Zuko so easily slipped past them without even trying last night, and Mai suggests contacting the Kyoshi Warriors since they are good friends with both Suki and Ty Lee, but Zuko declines saying they probably have bigger priorities than Zuko and they enjoy life on the island and he doesn’t want to take that away from them. He takes a mental note to find some better than his previous, trustworthy guards in the coming days. 

Much to Mai’s disappointment, they separate again after an hour, Zuko going back to continue his work but not before promising Mai he will try and sleep tonight. Despite Mai’s house being so near to the palace, she insists on staying in the palace for the time being and although she doesn’t say why Zuko suspects it’s due to Sokka’s absence and doesn’t argue against it. He enjoys her company and she enjoys bossing around servants and going to the royal spa. 

Zuko finishes up the day working nonstop until he feels his eyes drooping closed and his hands shaking slightly. He sighs and puts down what he was working on, cleaning off his brush and tidying up his desk. The desk is cluttered with papers, some scrunched up on the floor, others in somewhat neat piles. Zuko hasn’t cleaned his desk up in a few days now, since he was so busy with distracting himself with work, so he decides to do some tidying up, anything that will give him a few more minutes before he has to attempt to go to bed alone again. 

While sorting through papers and discarding those that were unnecessary in the dim, orange glow of the candles, Zuko comes across a particular stack of sheets which he hadn’t noticed before. He cards his fingers through the sheets and his breath catches in his throat when he realised what they were. The crinkled, messy scraps of paper had inked blobs and lines all over them and some writing here and there annotating the doodles. Zuko would never create such chaotic and untidy notes, but Sokka definitely would have.

During meetings if Sokka wasn’t presenting his vast ideas and contributing his thoughts or making bad jokes or funny comments, then he would always be doodling away at spare pieces of paper, never failing to have a collection of caricatures of each person attending by the end of the meetings, or sketches of random items that were paced around the room. At first Zuko though that Sokka was just intensely taking notes about what was being said at the meetings, but he soon learned that Sokka was simply indulging in his creativity and passion for arts. Zuko thinks it’s cute that Sokka enjoys drawing, even if they are admittedly unidentifiable drawings and sometimes Zuko has to hold back a laugh at them.

Zuko himself was never very artistic, although his closest friends know that he enjoys plays and theatre. He was always taught growing up that things like art were a waste of time and that he must focus on his academics and learning how to become an adequate leader, so seeing Sokka express his interest in art so freely and carelessly makes his heart swell. 

Looking down at the numerous drawing in his hands, some labelled with names of councillors Zuko recognizes, and others what seemed to be some form of abstract art, Zuko felt that same warm, comforting swelling in his heart. Tracing the lines he feels like he is tracing Sokka’s ghosts, his past self, like he has received a valuable capsule in time, which allows him to so visually imagine Sokka’s hands and face as he drew these. Zuko can practically see Sokka sticking out his tongue as he focuses on his drawings, tapping his foot in concentration, squinting and adjusting the paper to different angles. He can practically feel Sokka’s hand holding his, cool and calming, grounding and real.

But not real anymore. Gone. A ghost that has vanished. A person that has moved on, just as Zuko has to. 

Zuko wonders where in the world Sokka is right now. He knows that he is on his way to the South Pole, but he wouldn’t be there by now, so he must be floating somewhere in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by water, his element, his home. How ironic that presently Sokka is travelling back home with his father to be reunited with his people, his family, while all those years ago the exact opposite occurred to Zuko as he was banished and forced to leave home by his father, leave his people and never to return unless he captured the Avatar. Then, he too was surrounded by water floating on a boat, making his was around the world like a fool chasing a myth. What different experiences they had, what separate lives they led. 

Zuko silently prays to Agni that Sokka will arrive safely in the South Pole. 

He puts the papers back down as he realises that his few tears are getting them wet, smudging the ink, the precious pictures that would look like children’s drawings to anyone else. He places them in an unoccupied drawer, promising that he will make sure this drawer is only used for Sokka’s things. He knows Sokka probably left these papers behind because he saw them as useless and a waste of packing space, but Zuko will treasure them until he returns once again. Or maybe Sokka simply forgot about them, he was in a rush while he was gathering his stuff to leave. Or maybe he left them here, on Zuko’s desk on purpose, a sort of parting gift that doesn’t require words. A symbol that Sokka is purposely leaving some of himself behind, he certainly left an impact on Zuko and the nation behind, but this is something personal, something meaningful. 

Maybe Zuko is thinking too much into this. That’s probably right. 

He sighs and pushes his hair back habitually and wipes his face down. He further cleans his desk, refusing to think about Sokka any longer. He can’t afford to have distractions in his mind while working. He can’t afford to waste time being sad. 

With Sokka he was rarely ever sad. _Shut up, shut up, shut up-_

He finishes tidying the desk, extinguishes the candles and finally flops into his bed. He knows it is absurdly late, the sun rise only a few hours away, and that neither Sokka nor Mai would approve him only going to bed now, but better late than never. He doesn’t even bother going under the sheets, just collapsing onto the mattress and lets out a breath. He subconsciously eyes the space beside him, the space where Sokka’s body lacks, the empty, vacant air. Much to his dismay another few tears fall down and he breaths in shakily, hating himself for being so sensitive and stupid and dramatic. Zuko squeezes his eyes shut tightly and clenches the sheet into fists, finally letting the last two days emotions all come out at once. Finally letting his repressed sobs come out, as quietly as he can, and shakes into the mattress. His eyes aching from tears, his throat and lungs burning from a lack of air, his body exhausted from everything and his hands aching for touch, for comfort. 

He cries himself out, finally letting himself feel something in the privacy of his own room. Finally letting the past two days events catch up to him, letting everything catch up to him. He doesn’t feel relief from crying, doesn’t feel like he’s letting go. He can almost hear the stars and spirits laughing at him from above. _Sensitive boy, pathetic boy, weak boy._

He agrees with that and tries to laugh at himself but only ends up sobbing some more. He cries there for an embarrassingly long time, his tears never seeming to run out, his thoughts constantly providing him with more and more things to worry about, to be sad over. Those blue eyes and brown skin being the main reason. His salty tears resembling the taste of ocean, ocean like those eyes, like that necklace, like his blue clothes. It all hurts so much. 

Miraculously, he falls asleep at some point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow another chapter!!  
> as always thank you so much for reading and please feel free to comment whatever you want, everything is greatly appreciated <3  
> ik this update was pretty fast and that’s cause i was feeling very inspired, so yeah lucky you for getting this chapter so quick.  
> anyway hope you enjoyed and see you soon for the next chapter some time next week :)


	4. his eyes are blue

“Seriously son, what’s bothering you?”

They have been out at sea for a few days now, nothing but blue ocean filling the horizon. Sokka has decided that gliding through the ocean on a wooden boat with just his dad is far more boring than soaring through the sky on Appa with the whole gang. He hasn’t been away from all of his friends for this long before, there is always at least one of them with him. Although he is going to see Katara once they make it to the South Pole, being without anyone from their little gang makes him feel vulnerable and weird. After travelling, camping, training and fighting wars together they are all practically family and he misses them like he misses family.

Hakoda missed out on a large chunk of Sokka’s childhood and tons of major events that took place, which is in no way his fault, but it still happened, and even though Sokka loves his dad so much, he can’t help but feel a bit of distance and a lack of understating between the two. Hakoda has been thoroughly filled in on all of the hilarious stories that took place over the war, but a lot of the bad stuff, the meaningful stuff, was left out of stories. They were the type of incidents where you kind of had to be there to fully grasp what happened, and besides between all the crazy shenanigans the gang has gone through it would take years to fully inform his dad of every single story. He trusts his dad with his life no doubt, but he also knows that Hakoda doesn’t really know him as well as he thinks he does. Hakoda was gone for a lot of his life, that has consequences. That makes an impact. 

“What do you mean what’s bothering me? I’m great, I-”  
“Sokka. It’s been three days and you’ve hardly spoken to me at all, are you avoiding me or something? Did I do something wrong?” The amount of concern in Hakoda’s eyes and voice made Sokka feel very guilty. Yeah, he has pretty much been feeling like shit ever since he boarded this boat, but he was hoping he could hide it well enough for his dad. Apparently he couldn’t. 

“Of course not Dad, why would you say that? I’m great honestly. Maybe I’m just a little nervous to be coming back home, that’s all. It’s a pretty big deal you know, coming home after so long to be Chief one day.”  
Nerves. That was an easy excuse, everyone gets nerves right? 

“Okay, yeah, I get that. I know that one day you are going to make an amazing leader though Sokka, I have absolutely no doubt about it. In the future though, of course, you can’t get rid of me that quickly.”

Hakoda grins and nudges Sokka in the side. Sokka finds the energy within him to chuckle and smile back.

“Thanks Dad.” Sokka says and then a smug smile grows on his face, “I hope you’re ready to be outshone by your own son once I become Chief. _Chief Sokka_. I can get used to that. It’s classy, has a nice ring to it, you know?”  
Hakoda laughs and the previous concern and serious in his eyes lifts. He ruffles Sokka’s hair and starts to move away. 

“Nothing beats Chief Hakoda and you know it.”

A few more days pass over seas. Nothing happens, Sokka tires to stay as light hearted as possible, seamlessly interweaving jokes into casual conversations with his dad which tends to convince Hakoda everything is fine. Honestly, maybe everything is fine. Sure Sokka has his moments where he drifts into daydreaming about Zuko a few times a day, but other than that and struggling to sleep at night, things have been relatively okay. Maybe he will be able to move on after all, as much as he doesn’t want to, as much as he wants to remain sucked into his daydreams, he knows keeping them away will keep him sane. He reminds himself of the awful weather, the arrogant advisers and how he is returning to his home filled with beautiful snow, stars and water and then he manages to keep going about helping his dad guide the boat along the ocean. 

They arrive at the South Pole early in the morning, after Sokka had had a questionable amount of sleep. He can’t help but smile and wave as well as jump with excitement as they near the land. The previous feelings of nerve and melancholy all suddenly disappear as he sees familiar faces waving back and feels his feet finally stand on land again. The cold air makes his skin flush and thankfully he had wrapped up in a parka this morning, or else he would be frozen on the spot, his body so unfamiliar with the cold after so long away from it. Family and friends shout in greeting to him and Hakoda, the sound of stomping through snow and running up to tackle the two of them into hugs fills the air as well as joyful giggles and warm welcomes. Many men whom Sokka recognise and mostly know the names of come up to greet Sokka with a firm hand shake and a pat on the back, amicably commenting on how much he has grown and looks like his dad. Gran Gran is also there to welcome them, wrapping Sokka into an incredibly tight hug saying something that sounds suspiciously like “You’ve been gone far too long, boy. And you are far too skinny. Hmph.” But the love in her eyes while she says it is unmistakeable. 

Once Sokka has been worn out by all the hugs and hand shakes and has a moment to gather his thought again, his eyes widen as he suddenly realises someone is missing. Someone very important. His head shoots up and he looks around frantically ignoring the thousands of questions being shot at him about the Fire Nation and their journey back and the war and just everything. In the corner of his eye he spots who he is looking for. 

Katara makes eye contact with him and then an incredible smile grows on her face and they both rush through the small crowd of people, gently pushing past everyone and meeting in the middle. Sokka swoops Katara into a huge hug and she laughs lightly and hugs him back. Her hair is in its usual style, half up, half down with loopies in the front, and Sokka is delighted to mentally note that he is still has a good few inches of height on her. She smells the same sweet scent that she normally does, and her embrace feels just as warm and loving as it always was. Sokka hadn’t seen Katara in at least two months now, which had probably been their longest time apart, so he feels it is justified when tears gather in his eyes. Thankfully he is able to blink them away quickly, but gathering from the soft sniffles coming from Katara’s face which has been shoved into his shoulder, he isn’t sure if she had successfully held back her own emotions. Thankfully the other men have seemed to have dispersed, giving Katara and Sokka some space to reunite. 

After a few minutes of purely holding each other, Katara brings her face back and wipes her big, blue, teary eyes and smiles fondly. 

“Sokka.” She breathes.  
“Hey Katara.”  
She chuckles and slaps Sokka playfully on the shoulder, before bringing him back into another, somehow even more crushing, hug. 

“You were gone for so long. Why didn’t you come back sooner?” Katara asks innocently, but the questions makes Sokka gulps. _He was trying to delay it for as long as possible._

“Aw, sounds like someone actually missed me. That’s cute.” He says sarcastically and Katara huffs.  
“I take it back, please feel free to leave again.” She says, but her voice is filled with no malice and only love and lightheartedness. 

“Nah, I might stick around for a while, just so that I can annoy you, of course.” 

“How tragic.” Katara smiles and takes Sokka’s hand, already guiding him towards the village. She starts informing him of all of the recent updates and upgrades within the village that she hadn’t mentioned in her letters. Katara also tells him about some of the local gossip and events as well as what she and the others have been doing in preparation for his arrival in the South Pole. 

Sokka almost instantly feels how much he had truly missed Katara, her calm and insanely caring as well as loving presence filling any voids left in his heart since his departure. They talk to each other as if they had never even been apart, Sokka supposes that is the special thing about siblings, no matter how long you’re separated, you can always just reconnect as if nothing even happened, and you can’t really fall apart either because you’re family. _Family doesn’t forget family._ At least not Sokka’s. 

Sokka enjoys an incredible lunch with Hakoda, Katara and Gran Gran. He fills himself up twice fold with food, immensely grateful for Gran Gran’s cooking skills which, no matter how hard Zuko tried to find good quality Water Tribe food in the Fire Nation, were simply unmatched by others. He wonders a few times during lunch how he even managed to survive without such good food and how it is even possible for food to be so tasty and so comforting as well. Sokka found himself grinning like an idiot during the whole meal and completely showering Gran Gran in complements as everyone eyed him with brief concern as he took his fifth refill of food. What can he say, nothing beats a good Water Tribe feast.

“Seriously Gran Gran, this meal is incredible.” Sokka repeats for the tenth time. 

“Well eat up boy, you look like a twig.” Gran Gran replies and Katara holds back a laugh. 

“Zuko actually made a trading route with the Northern Water Tribe because he knew I hated Fire Nation food, but it still couldn’t compare to your cooking.” He says thoughtfully and Gran Gran gives him a strange look. 

“The _Firelord_ set up a whole trade route just because _you_ didn’t like Fire Nation food?” She asks sceptically. 

“Yep!” Sokka smiles with teeth despite there being a lot of food in his mouth. 

“Some world we live in now.” Gran Gran shakes her head. 

“Well, Zuko is a considerate young man, so I’m sure he would do the same for anyone really.” Hakoda adds and the smile falls off Sokka’s face. He swallows and puts his utensils down. 

“Actually he said he did it because he ‘cares about me so much and wants me to be as comfortable as possible and he knows how much I appreciate good food’, so yeah, maybe not _anybody_.” Sokka clarifies and glares a little at his dad. 

“The Firelord cares about you?” Gran Gran scoffs and chuckles lightly, “You both must be a lot closer than I imagined.”

At this Hakoda stiffens and clears his throat. 

“Well you were working for Zuko, so really it’s his job to makes sure you are comfortable.” Hakoda says and Katara sighs lightly beside him. Sokka feels some deep seeded rage emerging slowly. 

“Huh, maybe. But would it be so _awful_ , so _impossible_ that Zuko and I actually cared about each other more than that. That we were actually-”

“That’s enough Sokka.” Hakoda interrupted. 

“What?! Don’t want my family to actually know anything about my life? Don’t want them to know the truth? How you _ruined us_? Are you ashamed?!” Sokka yells and stands up from his seat, banging down on the table as he does so. 

“What in La’s name are you talking about Sokka?” Gran Gran asks, but Sokka’s focus is on Hakoda who is clenching his jaw and shaking his head at Sokka. 

“You know that that isn’t true Sokka. Let’s not start up this discussion again, that’s all in the past now and you’re back with your family now.” He says firmly, but not angrily unlike Sokka. 

“No I’m not!” Sokka shouts and Gran Gran gasps.  
“Yes, you are.” Hakoda’s voice is calm. 

“You took me away from part my family.” Sokka whispers, tears threatening to rise up into his eyes. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Hakoda snaps and Sokka can feel he rage in his chest.  
“Dad, stop it-” Katara starts but Sokka doesn’t let her finish. 

“Ridiculous?! _I’m being ridiculous?_ ” Tears start to stream down Sokka’s cheeks involuntarily, they are cool against his hot, flustered skin, “I can’t believe you.”

Hakoda pinches the bridge of his nose and breaths in to start talking, but Sokka holds up a hand. 

“Don’t. Don’t even start.” He snarls and pushes his plate away, suddenly loosing his appetite. He glares once more at Hakoda and glances at Gran Gran who has been stunned into silence, whereas Katara just eyes him with pity in her eyes. He sighs feeling more tears well up and before they can fall he runs out the door while hearing someone call his name. 

Sokka knows that fleeing from lunch is far from mature and probably isn’t selling himself as a good, responsible leader to his dad, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t hold back what he was feeling anymore. He had sat there for days, silent, repressing his true thoughts, holding back his anger, thinking it would just disappear at some point and not blow up in his face. The more he trudges through the snow, speed walking away from the igloo, the more he regrets lashing out at Hakoda. He winces at the thought of trying to apologise and explain the situation to Gran Gran, and his heart aches as he tries to imagine his next conversation with his dad. The problem is that Sokka is in the wrong and he needs to get over his stupid fucking feelings and get himself together. Spirits know that Sokka rarely gets angry like that, but when it is over something like Zuko, his _family_ , and having to hide that from his other family, it just really doesn’t sit well with him. 

Sokka is grateful that he doesn’t hear anyone following him. They all probably know that he needs some time to cool down and that storming out of a room typically connotes alone time is needed. Sokka needs to think. He needs to think about a lot of things, about whether or not he is mad at his dad, how to get over his anger, how to not act like a child every time the slightly sensitive subject of his relationship is brought up, how to apologise to Hakoda- 

His head is swimming with thoughts and he forces himself to breathe. He walks out to the edge of the village no real destination in mind, looking back at all of the igloos and homes. The sky is clear today and the sun is causing a bright glimmering all over the snow. Sokka wipes his face roughly before the cold causes the wetness to freeze to his cheeks, his breaths form clouds of white puff. He sits down near the edge of the water, not too far from the village, ignoring how the snow starts to soak his parka. He lets out a sigh feeling some tightness in his chest subsiding, it’s the first time he has some time alone today, and he feels exhausted from all of the questioning and story telling to the others. 

The water laps in waves, hitting the ice and snow on the coast. Sounds of children playing in the distance and some otter penguins squawking are circulating around. Sokka’s vision is filled with blue and white, snow and water, sun and sky, his surroundings reflecting his own eye colour. Eyes that are young, bright and free, a beautiful blue melting through the iris.

Eyes that have fallen for ones of gold. 

Eyes that are now back home and yet feel far, far from it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damnnn another freaking chapter !!  
> thank you so much for reading <3  
> idk what to say about this one honestly other than shit is finally starting to go down.  
> next chapter will be a fun one so be sure to come back some time next week and I’ll see you soon.  
> oh and happy holidays, I hope everyone is enjoying themselves :)  
> thanks again and remember you’re always welcome to leave a comment even if it’s to tell me that this fic sucks, honestly anything and everything is appreciated <<3


	5. he's in my dreams

It had been a rough few days. It’s like the universe has been playing tricks on Zuko. Or just his mind, or both. Tantalising him with memories, reminding him of stupid details. He’ll look into a crowd and see Sokka’s face hidden within it, hear his voice calling too. It takes everything in Zuko not to sprint towards it, to chase that feeling, to seek what he sees, what he dreams. Fast asleep or wide awake, Zuko dreams of Sokka all the same. 

Zuko wonders how he even managed to live without Sokka before. Sokka was his beacon in the night, his light of hope, his happiness. Energy radiated off of Sokka and his smile and laugh were extremely contagious. 

It’s like his life is split into two, before Sokka and after Sokka, each a completely different life. How strange for someone who was only there for a year and a half to make such an impact. How strange for _one person alone_ to make such an impact. One person who isn’t even family by blood, its bond to Zuko through his ancestry, haunting his decisions, living in his past, in the old scrolls and books of that time. One person who isn’t bond to Zuko at all, yet actively chose to stay.

At least for a short amount of time. 

Zuko’s thoughts were plagued with Sokka and honestly it wasn’t even that bad to have this optimal reality in his mind, but it scared him. Not because he feared his sanity, not because of the normal fear such visions may instil, but rather because they _didn’t_ bring him pain. This images, mirages and flashes of Sokka didn’t _hurt_ him. Pain like his mother, seeing her in the shadows, fearing for her safety, her situation, fearing that she is dead, a corpse buried somewhere unknown that Zuko can’t even find to pay his respects to. Pain like fire, it’s luminescent flame dancing in the winds, feeding from an invisible source within ones soul, reminding Zuko of the pain of burning, the scrutiny and agony, reminding him the consequences of actions, the smell of flesh alight. Pain like his father, his deadly sneer and boisterous yells, both words and actions equally as harmful, each and everyone of them leaving an ugly scar, be it on his skin or in his mind. 

No, memories of Sokka brought no pain, only sadness. Sadness of longing, feeling detached, each memory not a stab in the heart, but a rip through the soul. 

Zuko was used to pain, he could handle pain. Agni he’d learnt how to all his life, but sadness, pure utter depression and hopelessness, that rod of happiness that he had become dependent on suddenly stripped away and thrown to the other side of the world, made him scared. This was unknown ground, lacking footsteps or experience on the terrain, Zuko didn’t know how to manoeuvre through this land. He wasn’t sure what to do to fish himself out of this sinking feeling, one that grows by the minute, never fading from his mind, spreading rapidly through his body and making him feel dead on the inside. 

But he did know how to cause himself pain. He knew pain a thousand times over would be more satisfying than this _emptiness_ , this _depression_ that he had yet to get used to. Pain will distract him. Pain will make it all okay. Pain will make him forget all things else except for pain, and things will go back to normal. Why allow yourself be sad when you can cover it with hurt and healing? Why sit in misery when you can conduct your own symphony of torment, one you can control, one that is predictable? 

It is for these reason that Zuko decides to visit his father. Ozai, the epitome of pain, a man whom lacks all but hate and anger, he is the perfect distraction. Zuko knows it isn’t justified, his friends would never approve, but he needs to do this for himself. Maybe, it won’t even be that bad. Maybe Ozai is worse in his head, maybe he romanticises the abuse, his flashbacks are filled with hyperbole. Zuko was always known to be dramatic. 

He could burn himself. Paint lines of bright red across his pale forearm, feel that awful stinging that lasts for days, fill up the rare empty space on his body with more scars. But that’s too easy. Physical hurt isn’t what he needs right now, he needs a proper scare, a _reality check_ , a generous reminder from his father of his worthlessness that will send him spiralling for months. That is what he needs. That is what he craves. 

Zuko sneaks out at night, it’s a good thing he has yet to replace those stupid guards for two reasons; he can leave at night while altering no one with great ease and maybe an assassination attempt wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world right now. ( _Stop being selfish, the nation needs you-_ ). He makes sure that Mai suspects nothing and goes the long way around the palace to avoid her guest room. Zuko wears a cloak and it feels all too familiar to how he used to secretly visit Uncle in prison before he joined the Avatar, the only difference being Uncle. Iroh may have been beyond disappointed and betrayed by Zuko, but even then he was never feared, Father could be having the best day of his fucking life and Zuko would still have to walk on eggshells around him in order to stay unharmed when he was younger. 

It’s a short walk to the prison, the night is quiet and the light from the moon lights up the dark paths. Sokka always liked the moon, he would always stare up at it late in the night, a deep thoughtfulness and grievance in his eyes. Zuko hated seeing Sokka like that, suddenly serious and lost in his own thoughts, he wishes he could just dive into Sokka’s mind and understand what he was thinking, wipe his memory of all the darkness and fill it with only joy and happiness. It’s what Sokka deserved. More than once, Sokka said he wanted to do something similar to Zuko, but that didn’t make sense. Darkness and fear made Zuko who he was today. He needed that to be a good person, he needed pain and nightmares and hurt, Sokka didn’t need any of that, he was already brilliant. Zuko deserved it, Sokka didn’t, simple as. 

Zuko has the guards in the prison swear to never speak of his presence to anyone. It may have already been a year of peaceful ruling from Zuko, but people were still too afraid to betray the Firelord. Sometimes that worked to Zuko’s benefit. 

The prisons are cool, damp and echoey. Ozai’s cell isn’t far. Zuko still feels calm about meeting him, he still feels no regrets for coming. It’s all so wrong. 

Ozai hardly glances up to Zuko and if he is surprised, he doesn’t show it. His tangled, black hair falls in front of most of his face, but fails to cover that cruel sneer on his lips, one that Zuko thought he would never have to see again.  
“To what do I owe the pleasure to be visited by the _Firelord_ himself.” Ozai spits out the term as if it is poison on his tongue. It probably is.  
“Hello Father.” Zuko stands near the doorway, not due to fear of being to close, but maybe so that he has a way to flee if necessary, although for now he feels strangely calm. Numb. This is exactly the reason why he came here.  
“Zuko. What do you want from me?” Ozai asks tonelessly, “What would a traitorous son, a disappointment, a _failure_ possibly want from his father, whom he left bendless and abandoned in a prison?” 

Zuko couldn’t help but grin sickeningly, he knew his father wouldn’t disappoint with the insults. His heart rate picked up a little bit. _Finally._  
“Do I need an excuse to visit my father?” He asks.  
“Tired of running an entire nation? You’re not exactly cut out for the job, boy. You’ve always been weak and pathetic, I must say I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long. That precious Uncle of yours has probably been babying you along.”  
“Uncle is in Ba Sing Se.” Zuko comments.  
“Is that so? Leaving his nation all to an inexperienced, worthless teenager and expecting him to lead?” Ozai chuckles, “Sounds very much like my cowardly brother, indeed.”  
“Anyone is better than you.”  
Ozai finally looks up at Zuko, his golden eyes shining like a light in the dark cell, staring up at Zuko with pure utter hatred. Zuko can only stare back for a few second before his breath catches in his throat and he looks away quickly.  
“Still afraid of me? Coward. Look me in the eyes!” Ozai yells and Zuko feels himself finch slightly, his back now pressing against the wall. He forces himself to look at his father, despite everything in his being telling him not to. 

“I don’t know why you’re here and frankly I don’t care. Listen to me son, let myself be very clear when I say, the only reason why you are still alive today is because I allowed you to be. I should have killed you that night when your mother left, should have slit your throat and left you to die. I should have done it then, but I swear to you I will do it now, in due time. I have sources from the outside and allies, I can promise you Zuko, _you are never safe_. You will never be free of me until the day you die, all because your _friend_ was too weak to kill me. I will kill you, I will take back what is rightfully mine. I will be King once again and there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

“You can tell me all you want, spread all the lies in the world, but I will never believe them. Not again, not now, not ever. You’re just to stubborn to see that we defeated you, you are _powerless_ and locked up in a cell. There’s nothing you can do. Don’t lie.” Zuko sneers through gritted teeth. He’s starting to feel panic rising in his chest. The walls feel too close. Ozai’s eyes too bright. He needs to get out of here.  
“I never once lied to you boy. Let me see, one of my allies told me a name, someone whom was close to you, maybe even important to you.”  
Zuko feels his heart drop to the floor. Ozai smiles.  
“Sokka, wasn’t it?” Ozai says and Zuko stops breathing. Ozai laughs hysterically, hollering and shaking with laughter that echoes off of every wall surrounding them.  
“Liar.” Zuko manages to breath out. Ozai stops laughing and then suddenly lunges at Zuko, his full body flying forward at the bars that separate them. Zuko flinches back so violently he whacks his head onto the metal behind him, almost dropping to his knees. Ozai roars with laughter again, as if Zuko’s fear is the most amusing thing in the world. His deep, rough cackling swimming through Zuko’s head. Zuko uses his last bit of strength to slam the door open and practically sprint out of the cell while hearing Ozai shout behind him.  
“That’s it! _Run boy_. Fucking run! _You’ll never be free of me!_ ” 

The run back to the palace is a blur. Leaving the cell, spiral stair case, pushing past guards, out in the cool night air again. Suddenly Zuko is back in the corridor where Mai’s guest room is, not quite sure how he got there, and he collapses against the wall behind him once he ensures there are no guards around. He has hardly breathed since Ozai said that name, that person, confirming he really has people on the inside, people watching him. Someone could be watching him now, worst yet someone could be spying on Sokka, no one is safe, _no one has ever been safe-_

Zuko feels a hand on his shoulder and scurries away on the floor, while simultaneously hating himself for being this weak and jumpy.  
“Zuko. Zuko listen, it’s just me, Mai. What happened? Shit- what’s wrong Zuko?” She sounds scared. That’s good, she should be scared. Everyone should be scared.  
“Zuko can you hear me?” She’s crouching in front of Zuko now, leaving a little bit of space between them, her brow furrowed and grey eyes wide.  
“Yeah.” Zuko says breathlessly. He sounds like shit.  
“Okay, okay. Are- are you hurt? You’re shaking really badly.”  
“No.” Zuko’s lungs burn, his head is pounding, his skin crawling and everything hurts but he knows he hasn’t actually been wounded. Mai swallows.  
“What happened?”  
Zuko shakes his head.  
“Okay.” Mai sighs and inches closer, “Can I come closer?”  
Zuko hesitantly nods and lets Mai put an arm around him slowly. They are both sitting on the floor now. Mai delicately takes one of Zuko’s trembling hands and puts it on her chest, holding it there.  
“Breathe.” She says softly, “Just breathe.”  
Zuko closes his eyes and lets himself take in some air. His breaths come out as short, spasmodic wheezes contrary to Mai’s deep, exaggerated breaths, but it’s still something. He concentrates on Mai’s hand, her chest underneath his finger tips rising and falling, the sound of air being dragged in and pushed out of her lungs. 

After what feels like far too long, he feels a fraction of his fear and tension subside and allows his head to fall onto Mai’s shoulder. Her hair is down and silky smooth, a striking contrast to her pale skin and she wears red, velvet sleeping robes. Zuko notices this all now. 

“Mai.” He whispers into her neck and it comes out all cracked and broken and like he is on the verge of tears.  
“You’re okay.” She matches his hushed tone, “But you can’t sleep out here in the corridor. Come, let’s go to my room and we’ll both get some rest.”  
Zuko simply nods weakly and allows himself to be pulled up by Mai, her arm supporting him up and they walk together to her room. He doesn’t even care that it is embarrassing, Zuko feels drained, exhausted and just worn out, although he is far from relaxed, that lingering fear ever present. Time seems to skip again and suddenly he is laying in bed with Mai, his arms wrapped around her loosely. Zuko isn’t sure if he falls asleep or passes out. What’s the difference anyway? 

He wakes up in Mai’s bed with a pounding headache and in a cold sweat. Most likely his whole night was plagued with nightmares and screaming, for better or worse he doesn’t remember them. He turns over and groans lightly, sunlight fills the room, it must be noon already, Zuko’s too lazy to check. Mai is sitting next to him, eyes already open and staring at him blankly. She doesn’t look pleased in the slightest, not angry either though, maybe just concerned. Zuko’s whole situation yesterday was probably pretty intense for Mai, but he hopes she can very kindly just forget about it. 

“You awake? Are you okay?” Mai sounds strangely emotional, but Zuko brushes it off and nods to her.  
“Good. Sit up.” Mai says already masking her previous emotion and although he is slightly surprised by how close that was to a demand, Zuko complies and sits up. He stretches out his arms over his head and cracks his spine with a satisfying crunch. Zuko ruffles his disgusting, moist hair and tries to grin, hoping that will indicate that he is perfectly fine and they shouldn’t speak about yesterday night because it isn’t necessary. It must have been more of a grimace because Mai bits her lip and stares at Zuko seriously.  
“What happened last night?” She finally asks. Zuko sighs, closes his eyes and tilts his head backwards. He remains silent.  
“Zuko what happened?” She asks with more determination, “I heard a sound in the middle of the night and then I went out into the corridor to find you sitting on the floor fucking hyperventilating and shaking and freaking out I- Zuko- You scared the shit out of me.”  
“I’m sorry.” Zuko croaks out, eye still closed. He clears his throat and tries again. “I’m sorry.”  
“No. I don’t want you to apologise, I’m not mad. I care about you, I just want to know what was going on. Can you please explain to me?” Mai says and her voice is filled with so much love and care that Zuko wants to tell her, he wants to explain, but he can’t. He cant tell the one person who is still here how fucked up and self-destructive he really is. He can't risk it.  
“No.” He deadpans.  
“Zuko-”  
He opens his eyes and stares into Mai’s.  
“No. I can't. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”  
Mai frowns and shakes her head a little.  
“I don’t mind if it happens again, I just want to know why it happened in the first place. I just want to help you.”  
“I don’t need your help.” Zuko says harshly.  
“Yes, you do.”  
“No I don’t.”  
“Whatever.”

That was more like the Mai he knew. Emotionless, blunt and stubborn, that was the Mai he liked, he admired, not this new loving, sweet and caring Mai. He didn’t like being asked questions, people trying to help, he found it insufferable and miserable. Zuko would rather be insulted and bullied than treated like some vulnerable child. Anything was better than vulnerability. 

“Is this about Sokka?” Mai asks quietly after a beat of silence. That hits a nerve with Zuko, of course Mai would think it’s about Sokka, because he was so reliant on Sokka, because he was so weak with Sokka. Zuko allowed himself to be vulnerable around Sokka, at least to some extent. Not everything in his life was about his stupid relationship. (Isn’t it though?)  
“ _This is none of your fucking business._ That’s what it is. So why don’t you just fuck off and leave me alone!” Zuko shouts and Mai goes quiet. She clenches her jaw and sighs through her nose, standing up to leave.  
“I think you need some time to cool down, so when you’re ready to talk respectfully to me and see that I am only tying to help, you can come find me.” Mai says calmly and walks out the door. 

A rush of guilt washes over Zuko. He really shouldn’t have dragged Mai into this mess. But he had done this to himself, he decided to visit his father for pain and feeling. Now he lashed that pain onto Mai and finally unleashed some of that hurt he has been feeling for days onto someone who has nothing to do with it, but at least he felt something. Guilt is better than nothing. Solving an argument with Mai is better than being stuck in the past. Mai being mad at him is better than him being mad at himself. Indulging in his rage from all those years ago, ever since he was banished is better than feeling empty. Anger overcomes hurt. Anger can't bring back the half of him that has left, but it can mask how much it truly affected him. It can make him look strong. Zuko isn’t sure how many halves he has left in him. 

Agni above, he is being so selfish, but some sick part of him tells Zuko it’s worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter!! 
> 
> yes, this is my idea of a 'fun chapter' lmao. sue me. at least something happens this time. how fun that we have both sokka and zuko stirring up fights now. I like how zuko was like aw shit I'm feeling something other than rage, better go visit my father to fix that. like no honey that isn't how it works xx. I hope that I portrayed everything well and that this isn't confusing to read (maybe even enjoyable to read?? idk). 
> 
> thank you so much for reading as always, it means so much to me <3\. you're very welcome to comment anything at all and I will see you some time next week for chapter six! 
> 
> thanks again and have an amazing week :)


	6. he loves his sister

Sokka sits cross legged in the thick snow, pouting into the distance. He isn’t very surprised when he hears footsteps coming up close to him, he didn’t come here to hide, just to think and maybe cool off a bit as well. Back in the igloo he lashed out at Hakoda for the first time in ages, finally letting go of some of that tight pain in his chest that he refused to acknowledge. Somehow letting that pain go, expressing himself, just made the pain even worse, because now he couldn’t ignore it and he had to face the consequences of snapping cause of his feelings. 

Sometimes he just wishes things were simpler and easy. Living with Zuko had been the best year of his life, but maybe if it never happened things wouldn’t be so complicated now, so impossible to navigate through and so secretive and annoying. 

Relief washes over as Sokka realises it is Katara who has come over to sit next to him. He isn’t ready to talk to Hakoda yet and he doesn’t want to. For a few moments Katara just sits there, glancing at Sokka ever so often. Sokka hates silence, it makes him feel vulnerable and in need of filling the awkward and uncomfortable space, although the only exception to this was Zuko of course. Zuko liked quiet, Sokka respected that. Even when they weren’t talking, just sitting with Zuko felt like bonding, they didn’t need to talk to communicate. His thoughts felt at peace with Zuko’s presence, he didn’t need something to distract himself. Zuko taught him the beauty in silence, the illusion of time slowing down, the focus on breathing, the ability to temporarily forget about small, daily problems and instead contemplate on impossible questions of reality that can never be answered. The beauty of just being. 

This silence doesn’t bring that feeling of understanding though, it just feels tense and uncomfortable. Sokka is pretty quick to end it. 

“Is Dad really mad?” He asks sadly.  
“No, no,” Katara reassures, “More just concerned. He didn’t realise you still felt so strongly about, well, you know, leaving the Fire Nation.”  
“I always felt strongly about it. I never didn’t. And we both know this isn’t about the Fire Nation.”

Katara had been the one person whom Sokka was the most scared of revealing his relationship to. He knew that Katara would most likely be very supportive about him being into boys as well as girls, but he was so worried about how she would react to him being into Zuko. Katara had long since gotten over her initial hatred for Zuko, but it still felt like it was too soon for Sokka to suddenly come along and say he is in a relationship with Zuko and it is so serious that he feels the need to tell her. Surprisingly, Zuko hadn’t been worried, he told Sokka that he and Katara had actually gotten very close while he was recovering from the Agni Kai and knowing Katara, there was no way she couldn’t be loving and supportive of them. But Sokka knew Katara more than Zuko could ever know. Katara is his younger sister, there isn’t a person in the world that he is closer to, not even Zuko. Sokka knows that Katara is the most loving, beautiful, kind hearted person in the world, but she is also extremely protective of her family, including Sokka. Zuko had already been on Katara’s bad side before and that was probably a living hell for him. If Zuko slipped up _once_ , if he so much as _glanced_ at Sokka in the wrong way, Katara would hold it against him forever and make sure Sokka found someone better. 

At least that’s what Sokka thought would happen. What actually happened was almost the complete opposite. Almost. 

Sokka and Zuko told the whole gang at the same time, so that if they all hated it, they could take all of their comments in one blow and just rip off the bandaid. Toph and Suki were practically jumping with excitement, which was rather surprising. Apparently they had been betting on them getting together for quiet some time. Aang was all smiles too and started ranting about how beautiful finding love is and how the monks accepted every form of love, no matter between what genders, which made the conversation embarrassingly emotional. Then they all looked at Katara. She sat there saying nothing for a few agonising moments, but then proceeded to pull both Zuko and Sokka into an incredible hug, which everyone joined in shortly. And just like that all the worry and stress vanished and everything was okay again. 

Later that night when Sokka and Katara were alone together, she asked some more questions about their relationship, which Sokka was happy to answer. At the end of the conversation though, right while Katara was leaving, she turned around and said with a somewhat sad smile,  
“I’m so happy for you and Zuko, truly I am. Just, be careful okay? We both know not many people loved Zuko throughout his life and I have no doubt that you are the best boyfriend to him, but, I hate to be the one to day this, but if one day things end between you, it could get really- I just- I don’t want either of you getting hurt, okay?”  
“Okay, I think I know what you mean, thanks. But I don’t think things are going to be ending Katara.” Sokka had responded with a smile and she had smiled back. Her acceptance and love for both of the boys had made Sokka feel invincible. 

Little did he know then that Katara wasn’t the family member which he needed to worry about. 

Now, she sighs and smiles at Sokka again.  
“I know Sokka, I know you must miss him but-”  
“I don’t just miss him Katara, _I need him_ and it would be fine if I knew I could run home to him soon enough, but I _can’t_ and I never _can_ and I can’t find anyone else to blame other than Dad.” Sokka admits.  
“Run home?” Katara repeats.  
“ _I don’t know!_ I think- it feels like he’s my home, but that’s wrong, maybe I’m wrong.” Sokka lets out a frustrated noise and then snaps his gaze to Katara. “How do you manage knowing Aang is somewhere far away? How do you manage to be apart?”

“Well, it’s like you said. It’s fine because I know he’s coming back to me. Aang is the Avatar, it is his duty to travel the world spreading peace, but I know in my heart that he will come back to me and he always does. He’s the most loyal boy in the world. Knowing that in a few weeks he’ll return and we will travel around together makes me happy, glad. He’s only on a trip, he’s not gone. And his absence now will only make it all the more important and special when he returns and I can look forward to that.” Katara explains, and Sokka supposes he can understand.  
“Huh, well that’s sweet, but it sure as fuck doesn’t help me.”  
“ _Sokka_.”  
“Right, language, sorry.” He sighs. 

“I know I’m not in the same situation as you, but maybe see it from this point of view. Whenever Aang and I are separated, we always come back to each other in the end and even after a break with each other, we both stay loyal to each other and that’s what makes me believe I truly love him. Maybe this time of separation between you and Zuko will be good for you both, if both of you truly still feel the same way towards each other after a amount of time separated, then we should all work harder to keep you together. Including Dad. If not, then well maybe it’s time to move on, it was good while it lasted, but maybe the time ran out and it isn’t worth making a big fuss over. Sometimes feelings can be blinding and we think we have this amazing relationship going on, but then you take a step back and suddenly you can see all of the flaws and errors and it doesn’t feel so special anymore. I’m not saying that’s the case for you and Zuko, but it’s always worth it to take a few steps back and reevaluate.” Katara says calmly.  
Sokka takes a few minutes to process all of that.  
“Um, well, wow. Since when did you become so wise?”  
“Probably because I spend so much time around Aang.” Katara shrugs and they both giggle at that.

“Okay, so if I’m using this time to re-evaluate, then _why_ does it hurt so much and feel like I’m never going to see him again? I feel like things can never be the same, Dad will never allow it, I feel like I’ve lost something so special, like I’ve given up.” Sokka says honestly. Katara takes a deep breath, probably contemplating her answer, and bends some of the snow in front of her into water, forming beautiful shapes and swirls effortlessly.

“Sokka, you’re being hard on yourself. You haven’t given anything up, you will see him again, I’ll make sure of it. Just look at it from the perspective of a break, trust that things will return to your ‘normal’. First you need to worry about finding yourself, then you can worry about Dad. If you make him believe that you are definitively in love with Zuko and that he is in love with you, then I have no doubt Dad would do anything to ensure you two can be together. In the end we’re just teenagers, and Zuko is the Firelord, that comes with a heavy burden, you have to see where he is coming from.” Katara says.  
“I don’t care about the burdens, I don’t care that he’s Firelord, I just want to be with him.” Sokka knows he sounds like a child whining, but frankly he doesn’t care.  
“A relationship between you two is a worldly matter, one slip up, one mistake and the consequences could be detrimental.” Katara says.  
“I know, you’re right. But it just really hurts, especially when Dad refuses to acknowledge that it was even going on. Like he has to hide me, like he feels ashamed.”  
Katara allows the water she was holding up and bending to drop back into the snow and turns to face Sokka again.  
“You know that isn’t true. He’s just protective. The last thing he wants is you getting hurt.” She assures and places mittened hand onto his shoulder. 

_But I’m already hurt. I’m already fucking hurt because it hurts to be striped away from what I think is love_. Sokka thinks, but realises he’s just going back in circles and that Katara is just trying to help. 

“Thank you Katara. I don’t know what I would do without you.” He says instead, and it’s true, he isn’t sure what he would do without his younger sister being weirdly good at giving advice.  
“I don’t know either Sokka, I’m just glad I could be here for your for once.” Katara responds and Sokka tilts his head at that, wondering what that ‘for once’ is meant to connote, but he lets it slide. They hug gently for the second time that day and it is just as impactful as the first. 

“You need to go talk to Dad and Gran Gran.” Katara finally states.  
“Yep. Can’t wait. I’m so excited.” Sokka mumbles dryly as he stands up brushing the snow off of his parka. 

He is going to talk to his Dad. He is going to apologise for shouting. He is going to tell Gran Gran about his relationship with the Firelord whether she likes it or not. He is going to let it all out, let every single thought, feeling and emotion out. Sokka is going to open up to his family. 

And then he is going to promptly write a letter to Zuko. 

This is not nerve wrecking at all for him. 

Nope, not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's that?? another chapter?? it sure is.
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading. I am very flattered.  
> also happy new year everyone!! let's hope this year isn't as shitty as the last!!
> 
> soo this chapter ... gotta love some sibling bonding am I right? Katara's just out here giving all the damn advice for free. since this chapter I feel is, idk a bit underwhelming? I'll try and have the next one up sooner than a week. please feel free to stick around for that. 
> 
> anyway thank you so much again and I'll see you soon <3\. (go on, comment something, I dare you. everything is appreciated.)


	7. he’s safer without me

If there was anything Zuko was good at, it was pretending that everything was fine when it most definitively was not. He had successfully managed to avoid Mai the whole day which was easy given the fact that she was probably avoiding him too. He had convinced himself doesn’t care, he doesn’t have time to care and knowing Mai, they always make up somehow. 

He also convinced himself that he was fine. That every shudder down his spine at a flickering shadow, every tiny flinch at a sound, every second glance he took at his own surroundings were justified and completely normal. It wasn’t Zuko’s fault that Ozai was alive an actively plotting against him, if anyone it was Aang’s for sparing his life. But Aang didn’t have to deal with the consequences of that, Aang would rather have no death on his conscious than spare the world of the nightmare that Ozai is. Sure his bending is gone, but the fire in his anger, spit and soul has only grown, feeding off of more rage and need for vengeance. 

Sometimes Zuko is silently angry at Aang, knowing that he gets to travel the world spreading his message of peace and joy, he doesn’t have to live in constant fear of his own father. Aang was the one who imprisoned Ozai, but Zuko knows that he is first on his father’s kill list. The failure of a son who betrayed him and helped train the Avatar in fire bending in order to defeat him, who is now ruling the nation which Ozai believes he has the rightful throne to.

Ozai’s only mistake was not killing Zuko sooner. 

So no, Aang doesn’t have to live in fear, doesn’t have to bear the consequences of his actions. It is satisfying to Zuko and most of the gang that Ozai has been left to suffer in a cell for the rest of his life rather than given the mercy of just one blow to death, but a cell is just bars and the guards are just people. There is always the chance of escape. That’s all it takes to leave Zuko constantly anxious, haunted by nightmares and living each day in fear for his nation and friends.

_One chance._

One chance could ruin everything. 

Just knowing that Ozai was dead would take some weight off of Zuko’s chest, but destiny was never kind to Zuko.

Zuko shoved his face in work, barely even registering the passage of time, so caught up in distracting himself. If someone hesitated too much during a meeting and there was even a split second of silence, Zuko filled it by talking, pushing his own thoughts further away.

Zuko hasn’t told the council or anyone at all about Ozai’s threat and he doesn’t plan on doing so for many reasons. First of all, any member of staff could be in on it all and be loyal to Ozai so they cannot be trusted. Second of all, nothing bad has happened yet, and all of the assassination attempts that have happened so far in Zuko’s ruling time have not been linked to Ozai, so maybe the stubborn man really is just bluffing. Lastly, perhaps the main reason why this shall remain unspoken, is because it is embarrassing that Zuko went to visit his father, it makes him look weak and easily manipulated. Thankfully, a lot of people that Zuko has allowed to work or stay in the palace claim that they hate Ozai, and rightfully so, but if even one of them found out that Zuko had been in contact with him, rumours would spread like a disease and people may think Zuko is loyal to Ozai which would just be catastrophic. Therefore, it is only right that Zuko keeps his little trip on the down low. 

Later in the day a guard knocks and comes into Zuko’s bedroom, handing him a letter from Sokka. Zuko knows he should be beaming, he should be jumping up and down with excitement, but instead he frowns, thanks the guard and tosses it onto his desk. Sokka must be at the South Pole now if he has written a letter, which is good, Zuko supposes, but he can’t help but fear for his safety. Sokka is a strong warrior who can certainly defend himself, but Ozai is, well _Ozai_ , and in the end Sokka is just a teenage boy thrown into a world filled with hate. He could be easily captured or killed. Zuko doesn’t want to read the letter, doesn’t want to read about how happy Sokka is in the South Pole while he is stuck here paranoid and suffering with work piling up at a very impressive speed. He doesn’t want to hear that Sokka’s getting on well, because quite frankly Zuko isn’t and he would rather not rub sal tinto his wounds. So instead he lets it rest on his desk unopened. 

As well as this, Zuko can’t stop recounting everything that his father said in the prison cell. He can’t stop glancing over his shoulder and feeling his heart thunder in his chest every damn time. He can’t focus on anything other than the way Sokka’s name slid off of his father’s tongue like venom. His ice cold voice enunciating it and dragging out each and every letter just for Zuko to feel like he’d been winded. Sokka shouldn’t have to deal with Zuko’s father, no one should except for him. Sokka should remain innocent and pure and free of his father’s wrath. Maybe Sokka leaving was a good thing then, maybe he will be safer far away from Zuko or anything to do with Zuko. Or maybe he will be in even more danger with no guards there to protect him. Maybe, maybe, all of these maybes. In the end all it takes is one chance. 

Zuko sends a guard to get Mai later that night. He realises that he should be the one to apologise and that he should do it quickly given that Mai is literally his only friend here now. 

“Brought me here to finally apologise?” Mai asks cooly after she stalks through his bedroom door.  
“Yes,” Zuko starts, “Listen, I’m sorry Mai for shouting, I shouldn’t have done that.”  
“Okay.” Mai gestures fo him to continue.  
“And for barging in on you like that.” He adds.  
“Is that all?”  
“And for not realising that you were just trying to help. I’m sorry.”  
“Well,” Mai smiles, “In that case you are forgiven.”

Things are complicated right now, but Zuko thinks he just found a solution to most of his problems. Currently, Zuko’s fear for Ozai revolves not around the fact that he was threatening to kill him, there is nothing new there, but the fact that he knew _Sokka’s name_. That indicates that he does in fact have people on the inside watching Zuko’s life and reporting things back to him. Ozai has eyes and loyalists everywhere and those eyes are on Sokka too and most likely followed him to the Southern Water Tribe. If Ozai wants to take over again and become some sort of King, he can’t just stop at killing Zuko, he needs to stop all of his friends as well somehow. Sokka is next in line for becoming Chief, which means he his a potential threat to Ozai. 

Or not. Maybe, Ozai is too self centred to see any other Nations as a threat. Maybe he just needs to rule the Fire Nation and the rest of the plan is simply genocide and war because he doesn’t think that other rulers or benders have what it takes to defeat him again. Aang took away Ozai’s bending, but he didn’t take away any of his followers or loyalists. There could seriously be another world war if Ozai gathers enough people and manages to escape. So, if the other Nations are not a threat to Ozai, then why is Sokka involved? The answer is simple, _his relevance to Zuko_. If Ozai learns or already knows that Sokka is a soft spot for Zuko then he can easily have people sneak into the South Pole and have him captured, in which Zuko isn’t sure he would have the strength to not hand over the rule to Ozai if Sokka’s life was on the line. Sokka is the perfect hostage to make Zuko do whatever Ozai wants, and Ozai probably already knows this. Even worse, Sokka is on the other side of the world, so if he was a potential target, Zuko can’t even do anything to protect him other than wait to get a letter saying he was captured by Zuko’s own people. 

In conclusion, it would be a fucking mess. 

But the solution? Simple in Zuko’s eyes. 

“Mai, I need to ask you a favour.” Zuko says, his tone deadly serious.  
“What?” Mai replies seeming uninterested.  
“I think it would be best if we got back together. Romantically.”  
Mai whips her head around and stares at Zuko.  
“What?”  
“I know it sounds stupid, but for the nation, for the people, I-” He starts to explain.  
“Zuko, I hate to burst your bubble, but you are really, really gay.” She interrupts, chuckling slightly.  
“What? I know that. But the thing is-”  
“And I too am really, really gay.” Mai continues.  
“I know, and I’m sorry, but-”  
Mai holds up a hand to stop him from speaking. She glares at Zuko hard and then shakes her head. 

“You’re crazy you know that?” She mutters and Zuko sighs heavily pinching the bridge of his nose.  
“Mai, let me finish, I think-”  
“I’ll do it.” She snaps. “I know all the reasons your going to say and honestly I’ve been thinking about it too. It’s probably what is best, but we have to set some ground rules, okay?”  
“You will?” Zuko says with uncertainty.  
“If it’s truly what _you_ want and what _you_ think is best, then yeah. Yeah, I will.”  
“Shit Mai, what about your own life?” Zuko can’t help but ask.  
“Aren’t you trying to convince me to date you? And besides, if we date publicly that doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t have other relations outside of that. They would just need to be secret, obviously.” She says nonchalantly as if she isn’t talking about something that will affect her for the rest of her life. Zuko thought that Mai would almost certainly disagree, now he doesn’t know how to feel. 

“Why are you agreeing to this Mai?”  
“For the people, for the nation, blah, blah, blah.”  
“No, why are you actually doing this?”  
“Zuko, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I like you. I really like you, okay? And even if it’s not in a romantic way that doesn’t mean I don’t. I know that you being in a relationship with the daughter of a politician looks really good, and I would rather it be me than some idiot whom the council suggests. I don’t want you to spend your life with someone you barely know and have to suffer through it, so yes, I’m doing you a favour.”

Mai was Zuko’s solution. Bring the target back home, somewhere where he can protect it. Ozai wouldn’t care about Sokka if he could take Mai instead, someone whom he knows fo certain Zuko loves and in the Fire Nation, in his very palace, Mai could be protected. It kept all problems in the Fire Nation and all targets nearby. Mai also solved the problem of being lonely, even if they weren’t actually going to be romantic. Her presence guaranteed was enough to make Zuko feel relief. It seems like a win, win situation. 

“You have to tell Sokka though.” Mai says and Zuko rolls his eyes.  
“Mai, that hardly matters now, but yes, I’ll tell him.” He says and Mai nods approvingly, “But you’re really okay with this?”  
“Me? Yes. Honesty Zuko, I don’t really care and I want to be able to do you this favour. And how many times do I have to say it? _I like you_. Just don’t piss me off or lie to me and we’re fine. But what about you?” She asks.  
“Yeah, yeah. I’m good with it. Obviously.” Zuko reassures although he doesn’t even sound convincing to himself. Mai chuckles and takes one of Zuko’s hand in hers, squeezing it ever so slightly.  
“Whatever you say. Just know you can call it off whenever you want, I won’t be offended.”  
“Okay.”

Mai doesn’t know the real reason Zuko wants to be with her publicly and if everything goes to Zuko’s plan she never will. Ozai’s loyalists will inform Ozai of their relationship, they will target Mai, she will be protected in the palace and Zuko will catch the loyalists and imprison them, Ozai will rot in his cell for eternity, no ears or eyes from the outside every helping him again. Most importantly, Ozai will forget about Sokka and he will be safe on the South Pole.

That is the plan. That is the solution. 

However, destiny is never kind to Zuko and Sokka has other plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter. hehe. 
> 
> thank you so much for reading i honestly appreciate it so much <3\. thank you thank you. 
> 
> wow mai and zuko are together now. things could not get more complicated. (they can, trust me). 
> 
> any questions, queries, comments, criticism?? go on and comment it. don’t be shy. 
> 
> this update was fast and the next one probably will be too if you want to stick around, that would be amazing. probably out by some time this week or next week latest. 
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading. i’m honored. have a great week :))


	8. he has an idea

Sokka has known his whole life that opening up is easier said than done. Katara was the emotional sibling, not him. He was the older brother who had to stay strong for the family, or at least he thought he was, but then the roles switched when Katara acted as the mother figure in the family and practically raised Sokka despite her being younger. Katara held it together after their mother died. She cried, sometimes had nightmares and frequently reminisced sadly about their mother, but she still held them together. She took it upon herself to do the cooking, the cleaning and hold their family tighter than ever before now that part of it was missing. Sokka stood by and watched in amazement as Katara grieved properly and then rose up again to continue living and taking care of the family. She has always been so strong and resilient, so mature and kind, Sokka was the one to make up for her lack of a childhood. It was Katara’s responsibility to act motherly, and Sokka felt it was his responsibility to remind her she was still a child, his responsibility to make jokes, be funny and have fun with her. Because that’s what children do. They have fun. 

They don’t step up to replace their mother and take on all of her parental duties, they don’t fight wars and battle soldiers for the greater good of the world, they don’t run into their home just to find their mother’s corpse waiting for them there. They have fun and make good memories. _Children have fun and make good memories._ Sokka wanted to be the one to remind everyone of that.

Now though, he has to be the serious one. And he has to open up about his personal life to his family. Talking about things like feelings and vulnerability makes Sokka feel sick to his stomach unless it’s to one of his closest friends. Opening up to people like Suki, Zuko, Aang or even Toph, is normally fine and, although he doesn’t enjoy it and can’t even seem to meet their eyes properly, it’s bearable. But family? The people whom you are connected to by blood and have known for your whole life? The people who have endless expectations for you which you constantly have to meet or else you are a weak and pathetic disappointment? Yeah, that shit is terrifying. 

Sokka loves listening to others talk about and discuss their problems, he doesn’t think they are weak at all, he thinks they are resilient and strong. But opening up about himself makes him feel like child whining who just needs to shut up and grow up because everyone else has it so much worse. Not everyone can be a open book, letting out all of their feelings and brooding about it, someone needs to be the happy one, the smiles. Someone needs to carry the rest of them. Sokka doesn’t mind sacrificing himself for others, leaving his mind vacant to listen to and store his friend’s problems, he just wishes that he was able to let someone else hold some of that responsibility as well. All of these problems and burdens struck upon him, sometimes it can feel like too much, like he’s drowning in them. They aren’t even his own issues, but they are issues nonetheless which pile up higher and higher until they are on the verge of collapsing. But if he shares these with someone else, shares the responsibility, the heavy load, then isn’t he just hurting someone else and leaving them to drown instead? 

He’d rather just sacrifice himself. He doesn’t want to be the reason for someone else drowning, so he’ll stay strong instead. 

But today, he’s going to let out a little bit of the water filling his lungs. Let drops slip through so that hopefully it can become a little easier to breathe again. Just a trickle of the deep waters that fill Sokka up, a fraction of what’s really there, that’s all he’s going to share. 

Because that’s all that he can share, without feeling like he’s burden, without feeling like he’s not passing on his problems, but forcing someone else to hold them.  
That’s what it feels like for Sokka to be vulnerable, he thinks it’s a stupid fear, not a justifiable one. It’s still a fear though, and it makes him anxious. 

“Could I talk to you Gran Gran? Privately?” He asks once he had hyped himself up enough to finally face his family again.  
She accepts and they head into an empty room together. Sokka can’t help but pace around the room and try and find anything to look at that is not Gran Gran’s eyes.  
“So, what I was talking about before, you remember about, um, Firelord Zuko? Well, the thing is, I guess Dad didn’t, like, tell you or anything, is that- Well, um- I basically- I don’t know-”  
“Out with it Sokka.” She says and Sokka gulps but nods quickly.  
“Yeah, well, we were sort of, like, dating I guess you could say? When I lived in the Fire Nation, we dated? I think I’m bisexual- Well, no- I _know_ I’m bisexual and yeah, I dated the Firelord. And I still kind of might have very strong feelings for him? But wait! I know- I know he is Fire Nation and used to be bad but then turned good, but I swear he has changed so much and I actually think you would really like him and, yeah. That was what I wanted to tell you. I guess. In case you were confused. Um. Yep. I know it’s kind of weird but, yeah, and-”  
“Sokka, quit rambling.” Gran Gran cuts in and Sokka clamps his mouth closed so hard it hurts. Gran Gran sighs and sits down next to where a fireplace is in the room. Sokka stands awkwardly watching her, twirling his hands behind his back. 

“Ah, you silly boys.” Gran Gran mumbles under her breath and then says louder, “Is this the same Zuko who grabbed me and raided our village?”  
“Yes?” Sokka squeaks, “But I swear to you Gran Gran, he has changed so much and he can prove it-” He adds quickly.  
“Sokka, my boy, I trust you. I’m just teasing. I must admit I am more than a bit shocked, but it’s sweet to see you falling for someone, and seeing what a handsome, young man you have become. It’s refreshing.” She says more sweetly.  
“Really?” The tension that had built up in Sokka’s chest dissipates and relief floods him. The fear that had been clogged in his mind drains out so suddenly he almost feels dizzy.  
“Really.” She smiles, but then as if nothing happened goes back to her usual stoic expression, “But don’t go getting all sappy on me, boy.”

Sokka laughs. He _laughs_ and he’s pretty sure he can feel tears welling up despite Gran Gran having just told him not to get sappy. He bounces with happiness and practically leaps onto Gran Gran, pulling her into an incredible embrace.  
“Thank you, thank you Gran Gran. Thank you-” He chants over and over because Sokka was so scared of revealing this side of himself for some reason and now it’s over and he actually feels happy.  
“There, there, boy. Just know that if this Firelord does anything to hurt you I will go after him, I don’t care that he’s Firelord, he’s dealing with _my family_.”  
Oh and Sokka thinks he might just burst with delight. This is the warmest he has felt since he last saw Zuko himself. He feels hopeful, like he’s floating above the ground, filled with enthusiasm and joy and he doesn’t care what the world thinks anymore because Gran Gran, his family, are his world and they are enough. If his family accepts him, then that is all that really matters, the rest is irrelevant.

Sokka can fight the rest of the world, the rest of the problems and struggles that may arise, if he has his family by his side. And he does. He feels invincible. 

Sokka talks to Hakoda later that day and apologises for shouting at him and storming off. Hakoda forgives him, thankfully, and says he is sorry for being too blunt about the situation when clearly he doesn’t understand it as much as he thought. Hakoda says that he was never trying to make Sokka upset and didn’t realise he was until it was too late. Sokka finds that hard to believe for some reason, but forgives him as well, saying it was his own fault for being too sensitive and lashing out. He also tells Hakoda that he told Gran Gran about his relationship with Zuko and Hakoda just nods silently. Hakoda confirms that he actually told Bato as well, and Sokka is surprised that his Dad told Bato without asking for his permission, by he doesn’t really mind since Bato is practically family anyway and Sokka trusts him with his life. He deserves to know too. 

Hakoda doesn’t apologise for taking Sokka away from Zuko, but Sokka doesn’t really expect him to. It’s okay. Maybe it’s because he has Gran Gran’s approval, maybe it’s because he now has a new perspective on the situation thanks to Katara’s advice, but he finds he really doesn’t care. Sokka apologised for shouting, he tried his best, that’s all he needed to do. 

Sokka is on a roll, dare he say even kind of proud of himself for getting through all of that and not crying or shouting. It’s a pretty big accomplishment. Now he has one more daunting task to do, which is to write to Zuko. Honestly, he isn’t surprised or offended that he hasn’t gotten a letter from Zuko first, because the boy is probably working his ass off and is occupied almost every minute and he was never really the type to initiate anything anyway, so it’s fine. 

Sokka’s in a good mood and his letter certainly reflects that. He talks about arriving safely at the South Pole and reuniting with Katara and the whole tribe. He tries his best not to boast or sound like he’s having _too_ good a time, but it’s very difficult especially given the amazing food, the beautiful snow, the feeling of belonging among his people, being on good terms with his dad and Gran Gran- Yeah, okay, it definitely sounds like he is boasting, but the thing is, that is the truth. He actually feels really good for the first time in a while, especially given that over the past few weeks he had just been dreading leaving the Fire Nation. Sokka has taken on Katara’s advice and has been able to live in the present a bit more, seeing this gap in his relationship with Zuko as just a break, and it has really benefitted his well-being. He can appreciate the people surrounding him now and tell embarrassing stories about the Firelord without having it stained with sadness. 

Everything is pretty perfect here. Except for the lack of Zuko. Things would be perfect if Zuko was here, Sokka is sure of it. 

So yes, he boasts a little, exaggerates just a bit, but he also makes sure to mention how much he’s missing Zuko so that Zuko knows he is being thought of and is being missed. (Sokka even added in a short poem about how pretty Zuko is at the end, but that is no one else’s business.) Sokka feels good about it, he feels proud, he feels happy, amazing, _thriving really_ -

But then three days pass and there is still no response. Sokka can’t help but feel his heart shatter a little, but there could’ve been delays, Zuko’s a busy boy, he can give it some more time. 

But then two more days pass and nothing. Sokka recalls what he wrote from memory, reminding himself of those words that were his letter, those words that he founded over and meant _everything_ to him. Maybe the letter got lost, someone could have stolen it, it could’ve been sent to the wrong place, anything could’ve happened. 

Or Zuko has moved on and is ignoring him. 

_No._ Sokka refuses to think that. His previous optimistic mood about being in the Southern Water Tribe is gone almost as quickly as it came. It was nice while it lasted. 

“Sokka, have you heard the news?” Katara asks another day later. Her, Hakoda, Bato and Sokka are in igloo that they call their home.  
“What news?” Sokka is rather uninterested, there’s plenty of news that comes and goes around. The only news he wants to hear is what the hell Zuko is doing instead of replying-  
“It’s about Zuko.” She added.  
Oh. Sokka drops the plans he is holding and looks up at Katara. She looks sad, ( _oh shit she looks sad_ ). Sokka wonders if something bad happened. Suddenly thousands of ideas crash into his mind, what if Zuko was hurt or something and Sokka has been here silently cursing him for days due to his lack of response?  
“What?” He croaks out, trying to hide his internal panic.  
“Don’t worry, he’s fine, it’s just-” Katara stops herself and glances over to Hakoda who makes eye contact with her, but then shrugs.  
“What is going on?” He asks impatiently. Katara bites her lip.  
“It was announced officially that Firelord Zuko is now in a romantic relationship with Mai. Again.” Katara explains. She eyes Sokka wearily and is thoroughly surprised when Sokka lets out a loud laugh.  
“He’s with Mai?” He asks mockingly, “Oh, that’s funny.”  
“I’m serious.” Katara says as they all watch Sokka with concern.  
Sokka laughs almost manically and slaps his knee as well as wiping away some loose tears. Once he catches his breath again and sees everyone still staring at him seriously, he takes a deep breath.  
“You guys do know that Zuko is _gay_ , right? Trust me, I would know.” He cackles and Bato gives a knowing grin, but Hakoda sighs deeply and Katara rolls her eyes.  
“Yes, of course we know Sokka, you never shut up about it. But, he _announced_ this, it’s official. Did he tell you anything about this?” Katara asks.  
Sokka pauses and regains his composure. Is this what Zuko had been busy with?  
“No, he didn’t tell me, but that doesn’t mean shit Katara, it’s clearly fake. How can you not see that, it’s fake? Fake news. Are you stupid? He’s literally gay and she is too and besides he’s with me-”  
“I wonder how long until they get married.” Hakoda interrupts.

Everyone goes silent. Bato starts rapidly coughing, not so subtly nudging Hakoda aggressively. Sokka allows himself a minute to confirm he heard his Dad correctly and then snaps,  
“What the hell did you just say?”  
“Well, he announced it, didn’t he? They must have long term plans then, it’s likely they’ll get married. And to be honest, it’s a smart move. Mai is from a politically powerful family and-” Hakoda starts to explain and Sokka feels himself catching his breath from shock.  
“What part of ‘fake’ don’t you understand?” He asks.  
“Even if it’s fake, it’s still public and happening. I’m just being realistic.” Hakoda argues.  
“Sokka, maybe you should write Zuko before any of us make any assumptions.” Bato suggests, glaring slightly at Hakoda.  
“Oh, I will. Don’t worry about that.” He huffs and then goes to leave to try and find some paper and brushes to write Zuko immediately, “Thanks for telling me Katara.”

Sokka had been kind before, writing Zuko sweetly and affectionately, and Zuko had ignored him, or the letter had somehow gotten lost, but still that was no excuse for Zuko to not tell Sokka about his relationship with Mai. The fact that Sokka had to find out from his _little sister_ instead of Zuko himself whom he had seen just a week before, really stung. If Zuko doesn’t respond to affirmations, then maybe he’ll respond to something a bit more aggressive. Sokka deserves an explanation, that much is for sure. He feels alone in this, like Zuko has already forgotten about him and moved on. Sokka wonders if Zuko knows he waited for days on end for just a letter, any old letter, in return from Zuko. Has Zuko really moved on so quickly? Was there anything he even had to move on from? This who time was it just one-sided bullshit that Zuko just went along with? No, it couldn’t have been. But maybe it was. Zuko never initiated anything, Sokka always had to make the first move. What if he just felt bad for Sokka and didn’t actually want any of it? 

Doubts are plaguing Sokka’s mind as he tries to write another letter to Zuko. Hopefully this time he isn’t just wasting his time, expressing his feelings for Zuko so passionately and getting nothing in return. No, this time he is to the point, no poems, no complements, it’s one of the most formal and passive aggressive letters that Sokka has ever written in his life. Sokka doesn’t want the letter to come off as too threatening, but in all honestly if he could he would probably slap Zuko through the page. How stupid was Zuko, to move on so quickly without telling Sokka and disregarding both of their feelings and agreements? How stupid was Sokka to believe that they would somehow remain together even when they are physically apart? If Zuko was here Sokka would yell at his pretty face, then he would argue back in his raspy, chilling voice and those bright golden eyes would be filled with regret and then Sokka would probably immediately forgive him so that they could stop talking and just start kissing he misses him so much. 

No. Sokka’s meant to be mad. 

But then that all so familiar feeling of a lightbulb going off in Sokka’s head strikes him. Sokka was always known as the plan guy, and he just came up with an incredible, foolproof plan. An impossibly large grin covers his face, despite everything in his mind telling him he should still be upset, his heart takes control and he quickly throws away the letter he was writing and gets a fresh page. 

He starts writing a new letter so fast that his he has to switch hands halfway through it got tired form writing at such a pace. He finishes, then rereads the letter, eyes scanning so quickly and shining with mischief as well as determination. As soon as he is positive that the letter is good enough, Sokka bolts outside and runs off to get it mailed somehow. 

Sokka is mad at Zuko, that hasn’t changed, and he has a right to be mad. Zuko is probably going to feel bad after reading his letter and realising how upset Sokka is and, as Sokka clearly stated in the letter, the only way he can make it up to him is to visit him in the South Pole, explain the situation and apologise to him in person within the next month. Sokka also mentioned how the Firelord visiting the South Pole would help to benefit their union and trust with the Fire Nation, so consider it a business trip. 

Zuko feeling guilty _and_ being encouraged to visit for business reasons by the son of the Chief, at this point it doesn’t even matter if he is no longer interested in Sokka, he is definitely going to come visit. 

Zuko is definitely going to come to the South Pole, and Sokka can’t wait. 

Well, that is, if he reads the damn letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter eight baby!! 
> 
> guys i worked kind of hard trying to get this posted today, please appreciate it <3\. sacrificed my online classes lmao, not that they matter anyway. 
> 
> we need more sokka angst in the world. that is a fact. oh and say hi to bato, lowkey forgot he existed at the start so only added him now lol sorry. also really hope i got gran gran's character across well. that woman is amazing. i actually quite enjoy writing their little swt family. 
> 
> anyway as always thank you so, so much for reading and remember the comment section is always open to you. say something, bully me, vent, idk, have fun. everything and anything is appreciated <<3
> 
> thank you again and see you some time next week!! ( or earlier if you're lucky :) )


	9. he has no idea

Zuko swears that he intended to read Sokka’s letter at some point, he has just been a bit preoccupied. When he receives another one, some days after the first, he knows he has probably really fucked up. 

To be fair, he has been busy trying to protect Sokka, by announcing his relationship with Mai, sorting out all of the official arrangements, discussing future plans with his council and constantly being congratulated by the public. He can’t help but wonder how different the reaction would be if Mai was replaced by Sokka instead, how all the complements will turn into insults, how all of the flowers will turn to hate mail and no one would see them together as a powerful union, but rather a national disgrace. That’s what Zuko thinks anyway, that is how he was raised. Although when the odd servant did catch Sokka and Zuko together, no such repercussions occurred, which was definitely strange but immensely appreciated. 

Zuko’s also ashamed to admit that another reason he has been so busy is because he has been visiting his father in prison almost regularly. At first he told himself he’s going because he wanted to demand any information about traitors within the palace who have betrayed Zuko, he wanted to yell and threaten his father, forcing him to admit who he has on the inside. Of course, it never worked, Zuko could shout until his throat ran dry and his father wouldn’t even flinch, he could swear that all the fire from the sun will be thrusted into Ozai’s cell and that he will be burnt to a crisp, but both Ozai and Zuko knew they were empty threats. Zuko wasn’t too weak to torture his father, no, he was too strong. How would someone like Aang see him, if Zuko used anguish and suffering to potentially gain information? He would never be forgiven. Besides, Zuko doesn’t have it in him to torture his own father, even after all of the pain, all of the abuse, it doesn’t seem justified, at least not for him. He doesn’t want to waste his own guilt on someone as pathetic as his father. He doesn’t want to waste his consciousness on that. 

After Zuko realised he was getting nowhere with trying to draw the information out of his father, even after he had accepted that his father wouldn’t budge and that it was a lost cause, he still continued to come to the prison. Something about it seemed compelling and irresistible. Ozai was quite literally the worst father in the history of fathers, but he was still Zuko’s father. Someone who has known Zuko his whole life, who probably knows him better than he knows himself. Half of Zuko is made up of Ozai, Ozai runs through his blood, his history and his legacy. 

The dynamic has changed between them. Zuko knows his father is attempting to kill him, he knows he is probably constantly in danger, but now that that is up and in the air it feels irrelevant. His father’s job was always to kill Zuko, that being the only constant throughout Zuko’s life. Now, it feels as if there is some strange mutual compromise between the father and son. They hate each other, and they both hate Zuko as well, but isn’t that just another thing they have in common? 

While in his cell, Zuko and Ozai tend to ignore the fact that one is actively plotting against the other hoping to regain power over the world and they just, well, talk. Zuko even brings fucking tea. It’s sick, he knows it’s wrong, but there is something so fulfilling with just visiting his father, someone who hates Zuko equally as much, reminding him of his place in the world. It’s nostalgic. Like a trip to his childhood, an odd feeling of comfort, which definitely should not accompany such harsh an bitter words, but they bring comfort nonetheless. They feel like a memory. 

Zuko also seeks advice from his father. He may haven been a dishonourable and merciless Firelord, but he still managed to rule and lead without fail (almost). The people loved Ozai while they were all under his spell of propaganda and lies, they adored him. They saw his as a figure of someone powerful who will bring honour and pride to the Fire Nation. They saw him as a role model, fit to lead and worth fighting wars for, worth killing for. To many, Zuko is just a child, not only a child but a _failure_ of a child and although they may not out right say it, they most definitely are thinking it. He wants to know how his father lead, how he won over the people, how he managed to stay standing tall even with the tremendously heavy pressures of the throne upon his shoulders.

Ozai gives Zuko advice about leading, about having so much power and pressure at such a young age. As he sips his tea which Zuko has brewed he gives words of wisdom, never metaphorical and filled with proverbs like Uncle, but blunt and to the point. Stuff that Zuko actually understands, stuff that is effective. Ozai recounts stories, shares secrets, speaks of the history of Fire Nation leaders and then of more personal accounts. He gets it, his father _gets it_ unlike anyone else in the damn world, he understands what it is like to be on the throne. How dehumanising and dreadful it can be, but also how trilling and inspiring being a leader is. 

So, Zuko habitually makes tea, walks to the prison in the dead of the night, puts the tea down with a clank onto the cold concrete floor of the cell, takes his own cup and sits down, and they talk. It often ends with Ozai getting impatient and practically demanding Zuko to leave for now, although not becofe inviting him to come back tomorrow with more tea. And Zuko does. And he keeps doing this, cause sometimes his feet just move and his body just goes and everything in his mind is telling him that he has to go, so he does, because what else is he meant to do? He has to go. _He has to go._ It just makes sense in his mind. 

Therefore when Zuko returns to his room one day and sees Mai casually holding a letter in her hand, Zuko knows what it is immediately and freezes. 

“You got a letter from Sokka. How did he react to our relationship?” Mai asks while twirling the envelope between her fingers.   
“Shit.” Zuko mutters and Mai’s eyes widen.   
“You didn’t.” She says quietly and Zuko just nods with shame.   
“I forgot. I swear to Agni, I meant to write him- I was _going_ to write him-”  
“But you didn’t.” Mai finishes and sighs, tossing the letter at Zuko. “Well now you have a bunch of shit to work out. Why didn’t you just write him Zuko?”  
“Because I was busy-” Zuko starts.   
“Mm yeah, doing whatever you do when you sneak out at night?” She asks nonchalantly.   
Zuko doesn’t have time for this. He just shakes his head at Mai and sighs, tearing the envelope open. Mai sits cross legged on one of the tables in the room watching as Zuko reads it. 

The letter is honestly not as bad as Zuko thought it would be. Yeah, Sokka is mad, he has found out about Mai and Zuko which was predictable, and yeah the letter is kind of aggressive and he mentions the fact that Zuko also didn’t respond to the last letter he sent, which is true, Zuko is yet to read it actually. But, it could’ve been so much worse. Sokka actually just sounds more momentarily pissed than genuinely furious with Zuko, and that is more than he can ask for right now. Or maybe Zuko is just deciphering the whole thing wrong, which is a possibility too, but not likely. 

“He’s actually, not that mad?” Zuko says uncertainly after finishing the letter and rereading it from the beginning.   
“I doubt that. Hand it over.” Mai snaps and snatches the letter out of Zuko’s hand. She scans the letter, pacing the room and then stops dead in her tracks, brows furrowing a bit.   
“What?” Zuko asks as she stands stiff in place.   
“He’s trying to get you to go to the South Pole. Spirits, what a dork. It’s been like two weeks since you have seen each other.” She says bitterly, but then looks up at Zuko, eyes softening a fraction “Are you going to go?”  
“He’s probably just joking, he doesn’t actually want me there. I’ll reply and apologise and then-”  
“Zuko, how stupid are you? Of course he wants you to go. And you should.” Mai adds.   
“What are you talking about?”  
“You haven’t exactly been thriving here, and I’m sure Sokka hasn’t been either. Just go visit your boyfriend. You have the perfect excuse, for ‘business’ or whatever.” She shrugs.   
“What do you mean by ‘I haven’t been thriving’? Why would I go to the South Pole Mai? Be reasonable.” He says sternly. 

“Why wouldn’t you? You clearly aren’t doing too well here and miss your boyfriend. You sneak out at night to who knows where, barely ever eat, I haven’t seen you sleep for more than an hour in the past few weeks and you always wake up screaming anyway. You look like shit. You had a fucking panic attack when-”  
“Okay Mai. Fuck, I get it, okay?” Zuko cuts in. 

He doesn’t want to go. Zuko really, really doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay here in the Fire Nation, marry Mai and live a mediocre life as the Firelord. There is no way Sokka is going to keep this trip business and there is no way Zuko will be able to resist him, but he has to. Not only to protect Sokka but to protect himself from having to leave again. They spilt up once already, that hurt enough, Zuko doesn’t want to have to do that over and over again. He doesn’t want to keep having to remind himself how happy he is with Sokka and how things _could be_ if the world wasn’t such a cruel fucking place. He doesn’t want to dwell on the ifs and he certainly doesn’t want to endanger Sokka, but of course he can’t tell Mai this. 

Life had already given Zuko a taste of love, something so sweet and amazing, he held that love in his hands so tightly wishing for it to never ever leave him. He cradled this love, he grew used to its presence and as soon as Zuko got comfortable with it, as soon as he truly recognised that this love was here to stay, it was torn from him. He had been teased so many times with a dream like life, a life with happiness and comfort, with mother, wit Unlce and now with Sokka. Zuko has grown to learn that it never lasts, that nothing can ever last, as the universe continues to mock him, providing him with the most wonderful life, only to snatch it right back and laugh as Zuko goes tumbling down without it. That’s the reality. That’s the truth. No love will ever last in Zuko’s life, not that he deserves it anyway. 

It’s his own fault anyway. 

“Great. Then we’ll go next month.” Mai says causally and Zuko’s breath catches in his throat.   
“W-What?” He stutters.   
“Don’t worry, dumbass. I’ll come too. You know, relationship and stuff? And yeah I’ll probably hate the cold and the snow, but I’ve never been and I want to see it. I heard that-”  
“Of course you’re coming Mai. It’s just that next month is so soon.” He tries.   
“It’ll be fine Zuko. Just reply to him.” She sighs. 

Zuko suggests bringing Ty Lee or even Azula as well and Mai laughs at that.   
“The Southern Water Tribe already have to learn to trust just you as the Firelord. I don’t think bringing your unstable sister will make that any easier.” She says.   
“She’s not that bad anymore. What about Ty Lee?” He asks. The more company the better, Zuko doesn’t want to have to deal with Sokka, especially not alone. Ty Lee is surprising good at giving relationship advice anyway, something about auras that are comparable together? Zuko doesn’t really understand it but it is still interesting to listen to.   
“Probably not. She’ll want to keep Azula company, someone has to.” Mai frowns. 

Azula had been … well she had been okay. Zuko prefers not to think about it, but she is getting better. Recovery takes time. He just wants his little sister back. He really hopes he can get her back, because Zuko loves his little sister, but he hates what Ozai made Azula into. If Zuko could wish anything in the world it would be that Ozai leaves Azula alone for the rest of his miserable life. Zuko couldn’t care less about himself, but Azula deserves a chance. Everyone else deserves a chance. 

Sokka deserves a chance away from Ozai too. Zuko can give him that. It’s the least he can do. 

Much later, the day turns into night, Agni just about to turn her course back towards the horizon again, around midnight would be an easy guess, Zuko heads somewhere private to write his response to Sokka. He walks through the palace which is filled with an eerie silence, the thick, luscious curtains swaying a little by the windows and the frames rattling ever so slightly. 

Zuko is meant to feel weakest at this hour, as a fire bender, his connection to his element at is it’s most distant moment, a weak string on it’s last threads, almost about to snap. But how could you compare something so powerful and mighty as the connection to the sun is to something as delicate as a thread? You can’t, because this thread will never break. This connection to his outer being and drive as a human is something that surpasses fragility. It is never ending and Zuko’s connection to his bending will roar fiercely for as long as the sun shines down onto the world, blessing every being with it’s warmth and strength, yet also acting as a deadly weapon and master of destruction. 

Fire, heat, turmoil, rage. But also life. 

So in the dead of the night when it seems that Agni has retreated and given up, run away, Zuko knows she will always return back to him. Every curious child wonders someday, but what if the sun doesn’t rise back up again? Who knows? One day maybe it’s power will run out and something once so colossal and superior will whither away into fine ashes. Then all things living will die away wondering where their beaming rays of hope have gone, yet they are the same people who cried and cursed when those rays burned them. 

It’s a cold night for the Fire Nation and Zuko flicks his wrist to light a torch. Mai is now asleep in their room, Zuko is down in an office, alone finally. He flattens out some paper and dips a brush into ink, hands trembling slightly, probably from the lack of sleep. Mai had said he looks like shit earlier and it’s probably true. He has been avoiding mirrors and reflections because if he sees one he might get a fright honestly. He doesn’t care about his appearance right now as long as he doesn’t have to see it for himself. It’s fine. _He’s fine._ He is just tired. 

The light of the moon is shining into the room, it’s a full moon tonight. Although Zuko doesn’t feel that same connectivity to the moon as he does to the sun, he does feel something, or maybe he just hopes to feel something. Katara bends with the moon, Sokka had kissed the moon. Whenever there was a full moon, Zuko noticed that Sokka would go out alone, saying he just needed some space that night. Zuko had always thought it was quite remarkable for Sokka to have such a history with the moon, having memories with a spirit. He wonders if Sokka is looking at the night sky tonight too, his eyes staring at her magical luminescence just as Zuko is. The moon impacted Sokka, and because of that it impacted Zuko as well. The void of blackness in the sky speckled with little dots of stars and the full circle of the moon. He never would’ve noticed before if it weren’t for Sokka. 

Zuko writes a response. It’s awkward, it’s probably too formal, but at least he wrote it. He concludes that he will visit the South Pole for business purposes and that Mai will accompany him as well. He writes that he has been fine and things are going smoothly in the Fire Nation. He apologises for the late response. Zuko knows it isn’t enough, but when it came to Sokka he could never really be enough. At least he is staying consistent. 

He knows it’s going to be dangerous travel and that this is probably a really stupid idea seeing as his father is having people hunt him down, but with he moon glowing so vividly, Zuko finds he doesn’t really care. He is practically insignificant on this planet. Life is too short to not take risks for love and besides, he has never been able to say no to Sokka. If only he had it in him to take even more risks for Sokka. If only he was worthy of love. 

If only he knew how many risks he was actually taking. 

If only Sokka knew how dangerous this trip really was for Zuko. 

If only the world wasn’t so cruel. 

If only the moon hadn’t shone. 

_If only, if only, if only._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello that’s right i am back with chapter nine.
> 
> thank you so much for reading!! seriously it means the world. thank you <3\. 
> 
> i can’t tell if i love this or hate this lmao. we love some zuko being stupid again and also having some kinda deep thoughts moments. or do we? idk bro. but it’s THERE and you have to deal with it. 
> 
> also i’m ummm lowkey kind of excited to write the next chapter so if you would stay tuned for that next week it would make me really happy. yeah. just trust me on that one. or don’t. :) 
> 
> feel free to let me know every single thought you have ever had or some feedback / criticism in the comments if you want. anything really. i very much so appreciate it <<3\. 
> 
> okay fine i’ll shut up now. thanks again for reading!! thank you!! enjoy your week.


	10. he can’t keep waiting

**One month later.**

Today was the day. Much like that very same day when Sokka was due to leave he Fire Nation, it felt like every day previous was ultimately leading up to this, Sokka spent hours counting and awaiting for this day to arrive and here it was. Though unlike before, he isn’t filled with dread or sadness, but rather hope and excitement. Now that the day has arrived it feels surreal, and also like maybe this was all a mistake, Sokka feels doubt for the first time.

He had imagined their reunion countless times each more romanticised and unrealistic than the last. He had imagined all of the activities he could introduce Zuko to on the South Pole, all of the infinite possibilities, the secrets and hidden pockets in the South Pole, in Sokka’s home. Places that held great meaning to Sokka as he grew up here, important landmarks of Sokka’s life that Sokka so desperately wants to show to Zuko. He had written out numerous schedules, planning the perfect days, although none of them satisfied him and he decided it would be more natural just to improvise and see what Zuko himself actually wants to do. Needless to say there is hardly any actual business involved in these schedules, just fun activities and quality time, because that is all Sokka has ever wanted. 

Most of all, Sokka wants to find a secluded place to wrap his arms around Zuko so tightly, push their mouths together so intensely, he aches to feel the heat of Zuko’s body against him and holding him as they promise to each other never to part again. Sokka wants to relearn ever inch of Zuko’s body, something that used to be so familiar to him, now like a distant memory, he wishes to rediscover every quirk and detail of Zuko and appreciate everything about him. 

There’s no doubt that Sokka has been doing a lot fo daydreaming about Zuko arriving. But now, he’s actually coming and he should arrive today and Sokka can’t wait to put every single one of theories to the test, to make his dreams a reality and to savour every waking second he gets to spend with Zuko. 

The boat arrives. Sokka watches it from the horizon as it grows bigger and bigger, he wonders how this is even real. Thankfully Zuko had the Fire Nation redesign their boats, with a lot of help from Sokka, so now instead of metal hunks that scream war and destruction, they are more leisurely and efficient, graceful on the water. They shouldn’t cause any unnecessary distress or act as a reminder of the brutal raids on the South Pole, they represent a new era, one of kindness and peace. 

Aang had visited the South Pole around two weeks ago, and when he had left again he brought Katara with him, so now it’s only Sokka left on the South Pole and him and his Dad go down to great Zuko. The boat docks and Sokka can hear his heart hammering in his chest, he’s trying not to bounce with eagerness and failing miserably. Whereas Hakoda stands firmly beside him, a leader greeting a leader, that’s all it is. 

First, a pair of guards exit the boat, Sokka doesn’t recognise them as Zuko’s previous guards, they must be new, which is kind of a shame because Sokka had become chatted with the other guards before, they were kind and sometimes funny, whereas these new guards seem stoic and deadly serious, but he pays no mind to that right now. Zuko is the one Sokka is bursting to see. 

Finally, after what seems like years, Zuko and Mai walk out together. Sokka’s obnoxiously wide grin falters as he takes in the pair of them. Zuko doesn’t look too hot, and Sokka didn’t think he would ever think that in his life, but it’s true. He stands tall and professionally, but his eyes radiate pure exhaustion, as if he hasn’t slept in days. His cheekbones are more prominent too and it’s hard to tell due to think thick Firelord robes he is wearing, but he looks slimmer.

Zuko’s eyes catch Sokka’s and his mouth quirks up just a fraction but that is enough to snap Sokka out of his thoughts and sprint over to engulf Zuko in a hug like the clingy, sappy boyfriend he is. The guards react, but Mai holds them back to let Sokka practically grab Zuko. He squeezes his arms around Zuko, feeling his warmth even through all the layers and he breaths it all in. _This is real. This is finally real._

“Zuko. I missed you so much.” He says breathlessly into Zuko’s shoulder. He can feel Zuko’s hand coming up hesitantly to pat Sokka’s back awkwardly.  
“It’s good to see you, Sokka.” His voice shakes a little, but it’s fine, _everything_ is fine because Zuko is here now and they are reunited again. 

Mai clears her throat beside them and stares at Sokka, a small grin ghosting her face.  
“Oh, um, hi Mai.” Sokka adds, still while holding Zuko as tightly as he possibly can.  
“You two are unbelievable.” She sighs but there is no doubt happiness and relief in her eyes. 

“Welcome to the South Pole, Firelord Zuko. It’s nice to see you again.” Hakoda welcomes and offers the Water Tribe handshake which Zuko gladly takes once Sokka had eventually let him go.  
“Chief Hakoda. Thank you for having us. And please, just Zuko is fine.” He says swiftly while bowing.  
“Then just Hakoda for me, Zuko.” Hakoda smiles and then turns to Mai, “And you must be Firelady Mai.”

“Not Firelady, but yes, Mai.” She says courteously, offering a small bow.  
“I heard you were actually the one who saved our asses back in the Boling Rock.”  
“Yeah, that was me.” Mai responds unenthusiastically. 

“Hey! Zuko and I were the ones who actually freed you Dad, don’t forget it.” Sokka says.  
“Uh huh.” Hakoda jokes, “Regardless, you are both very welcome and we hope settle any small national disputes between the Souther Water Tribe and the Fire Nation, but also to have you as guests as our friends.”  
“Thank you.” Zuko says stiffly and bows again, looking anywhere but at Hakoda’s eyes. 

They take Zuko and Mai on a tour of the Southern Water Tribe. It had been built up a significant amount since the last time Zuko would’ve seen it. It’s starting to look more like a proper, dense civilisation, with some help from the Northern Tribe, and Hakoda and Sokka couldn’t be more proud of it. Sokka speaks so fast, introducing friends and family, presenting buildings, explaining the process of rebuilding and telling as many stories about them that he can remember at that very moment. He hasn’t been this enthusiastic in weeks and all of the energy that was preserved from his mopping about in the past comes rushing out all at once now. He would honestly be surprised if Zuko or Mai could catch anything he was saying. 

Zuko watches him, with a glint of fascination in his eyes, a shy smile on his face and his arm interlocked with Mai who just seems plain bored. His guards trail closely behind him. Hakoda butts in ever so often, adding a sly comment or warm joke to Sokka’s rambling and observes how elated and overjoyed Sokka seems to finally be, as if he was a young child again. 

Zuko meets Bato and, as he does without fail to every single person he has met, has a chance to apologise to Gran Gran for the last time they interacted. She grumbles a quick forgiveness and says that Zuko will have to prove to her that he truly has changed, but honestly that is all Sokka could ever ask for. A second chance. 

It doesn’t go unnoticed that some people give Hakoda a worried glance or even stare at the new guests with horror or disgust. Even after several months, people don’t trust the Fire Nation, which is completely understandable, they need time to adjust and learn to trust the nation that once tore everybody apart. Both Sokka and Hakoda hope that having the Firelord over as a guest and allowing him to be welcome and seen by the people, will be a step into the right direction. In the end, Zuko is just a person, not a monster like his father, and once people realise that then things can only move forwards. 

By the time they finish the tour it’s almost dusk, they retire to their home igloo and have a lovely meal prepared by Gran Gran. Zuko expresses his upmost gratitude for a place to stay and meals provided. Sokka notices how hard he is trying to be respectful and friendly, and he admires Zuko for it. His awkward yet charming presence is sure to convince people that he truly means everything well. 

Sokka has been waiting for a moment alone with Zuko all day. Once Zuko and Mai excuse themselves from the meal, he practically jumps up, trailing them and catches Zuko in a corridor alone finally.  
“Zuko!” He calls, waving and jogging up to catch him. He freezes when Zuko flinches in return, turning quickly, hands defensive, only to drop them and sigh when he sees who it is.

“Oh, Sokka, hi.” He huffs and clumsily runs a hand through his hair. “Did you want something?”  
“Are you good?” Sokka asks before he thinks better of it. He sees Zuko shaking slightly, eyes slightly frantic, glancing past Sokka. 

“Yeah. Sorry.” He says, his trembling voice anything but convincing.  
“Okay. Well, I just wanted to talk to you. Alone. Just, you know, catch up.” He shrugs and oh but how he wishes to do so much more than just ‘catch up’.  
“I do too, but maybe tomorrow? I’m a little bit tired, honestly.” Zuko says hesitantly.  
Sokka frowns, but when he sees the way Zuko stands, half of his weight on the wall, eyes exhausted and face dim and pale, he finds himself nodding. 

“Yeah, of course, no problem! We’ll catch up tomorrow. Get some beauty sleep baby.”  
A flush pink stains Zuko’s cheeks and he looks away.  
“Thanks, you too.” He says quietly, “Goodnight Sokka.”  
“Night.”

And then Sokka is left alone in the corridor, wondering what’s going on, wanting so badly to just interrogate Zuko and force him to tell him what is wrong. Why everything is so wrong. But Sokka supposes he knows what’s wrong, Zuko didn’t reply to his first letter, Zuko got together with Mai, Zuko is probably avoiding Sokka now, it’s so clear that Sokka is alone in this. That Sokka is the only one with feelings anymore, that Sokka is the only one who misses what they once had, replays it in his memory religiously and feels such a horrible emptiness when he considers that he can never have that again. 

Now, standing in the corridor, he realises that he was right to fear that, he was right to fear that he is alone because he is. Maybe, he is. Or maybe Zuko really is just exhausted. (But no exhaustion could ever keep Sokka from running back to hold Zuko into his arms and embrace him with all the hope in the world. No tiredness could stop him from running to what once was.) He’ll have to just wait to see tomorrow. 

Wait just like he had for this past month, life on pause and happiness on pause, just endless waiting. 

Tomorrow doesn’t come. It’s been a few days and every time Sokka manages to catch Zuko alone there is always some sort of excuse, a meeting, lots of work, something with Mai, Zuko is literally doing anything he can to avoid talking with Sokka and he was never good at lying. Sokka feels like he’s chasing after something which wants nothing to do with him, and he’s getting pretty tired of it. He’s getting so fucking tired of it because this was meant to be their time together. Screw business and worldly duties, _this was meant to be their time._. Their time to laugh, cry, hold each other and kiss. Sokka can’t stand by and let this time slip away. Not again. 

Late one night, when Zuko is finally resigning to his bedroom, Sokka catches Zuko by the arm firmly, and doesn’t even care that he flinched violently in his grasp. (He does care. He could hate Zuko with every once of himself, and he would still care. What’s going on?)

“Zuko. We need to talk. Seriously.” He says as directly as he can.  
“Sokka, I have to-”  
“Shut up and come with me. Now.” Sokka interrupts, dragging Zuko by his arm. Zuko’s guards immediately approach Sokka, but Zuko helplessly waves them off.  
“It’s fine.” He says just as Sokka spits a very professional “Piss off” into their faces. Yeah, he’s going to regret that one later, but right now he’s too angry to stress it. Thankfully, they oblige and stay stationed by the bedroom. 

Sokka quickly paces forwards, Zuko’s arm still being held, and drags him into an empty room. They need privacy, because either Sokka is going to loose his shit and start yelling a lot, or Zuko is going to do a hell of a lot of explaining, or they are going to have an angry yet passionate make out session, or everything in that order. 

Sokka is glad there happens to be a door in this room and not a simple curtain, because he slams it dramatically. He lets go of Zuko’s arm and watches as he rubs it soothingly, Sokka may have been a little bit rough, but then stands in silence and stares at Zuko directly into his eyes. Sokka’s jaw is clenched, knuckles white from his hands being in tight fists and glares so fiercely at Zuko hoping to come off as intimidating as possible. They stand there, both breathing somewhat heavily, and a thick tension fills the whole room.

Neither of them say anything. Both of them stare at each other. No noise comes from outside as it is so deep into the night. Blues eyes shooting daggers into gold eyes. Gold eyes glowing innocently in the darkness. 

Zuko swallows and opens his mouth minutely after a moment.  
“Sokka-“ He begins slowly.  
“Zuko. What the fuck has been going on? Do you hate me? Is that it? Just tell me now and I’ll stop trying. You’ve been _avoiding me_ as if I am a walking plague. What the fuck? I thought you came here for _me_ , I thought you came here for _us_.” He cries, voice getting embarrassingly broken by the end. 

“I did, Sokka. I swear I did and I have been meaning to talk to you-” Zuko says quietly.  
“Yeah? Well you haven’t, and it’s been days. Even my Dad probably thinks you hate me, Spirits, everyone thinks you hate me.” He exclaims sadly.  
“Of course I don’t hate you. I’m sorry, it’s just difficult.” He mutters. 

“What is difficult?”  
“Being here. Seeing you. What even are we Sokka? Friends? Colleagues? Partners? I don’t know what I would’ve said, what I am saying, I’m just really confused.” Zuko admits.  
“Yeah, idiot, that’s why we have to talk.” Sokka mocks.  
“So talk then.” He deadpans, and Sokka shakes his head with confusion. 

Talk? Sokka wants to say absolutely everything to Zuko, but where does he even begin? It’s true that Sokka has wanted to talk to him for days, but not like this, not this bickering and arguing. He wanted things to just clicked back into place. He still just wants things to click back into place. He takes a deep breath and starts with the basics. 

“I missed you, Zuko.” He says, voice much sweeter than before. Zuko’s eyes soften and some of the tension in his shoulder fizzes away.  
“I missed you too.” He replies, “A lot. I’m sorry it might not have seemed that way. I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want to think about you being happy without me here, so I avoided you. I’m sorry, I’m weak and-”  
“You think this was easy for me? You think I was happy?” Sokka interrupts. 

Zuko pauses and looks up at Sokka, eyes blazing with sadness and fatigue, it almost hurt to look at him.  
“Yes.” Zuko whispers.  
“You’re wrong.” Sokka huffs, pacing around the room now, “You’re wrong. It was so difficult for me, I felt so alone and empty, it was hell without you. I became so irritable and dejected. I hated it.”

Zuko pauses once again and that same unsettling tension begins to rise through the room. The paler boy cocks his head to the side, a look of horror and confusion masking him. 

“Sokka, you left me. You don’t get to complain, you’re the one who fucking left me.” He claims bitterly.  
“No, you wanted me to, you told me to. It was your- your people above me. It’s what _you_ wanted.” Sokka huffs, a finger pointing aggressively at Zuko. 

“I wanted you.” He says simply and damn if that simple sentence doesn’t make Sokka so incredibly happy and yet so infuriated at the same time. It feels like a blow to his gut. Everything is so complicated, yet so unbelievably simple. 

“Then why didn’t you say so?” He snarls.  
“Because I was scared and I knew I didn’t deserve you and you were always going to leave anyway.” Zuko emphasises, voice finally increasing volume.  
“You know that’s not true.”  
“Do I?” Zuko asks almost manically, hands gesturing wildly, “It may be my people above you, but it’s your family and your tribe above me.”  
“ _That’s not true. _” Sokka repeats.__

__“Your father didn’t want us together.”  
“And you agreed with him!” Sokka yells.  
“Well, the last time I disagreed with a father it didn’t exactly end well.” Zuko says, voice think with a sick sarcasm covering his true vulnerability.  
“You didn’t just agree with him, you argued against me. You told me we couldn’t be together, _you said that_.” Sokka argues back._ _

__“Because what if your father is right and we aren’t in love or anything and this just ends in conflict that effects the whole fucking globe?” Zuko challenges and Sokka is tempted to slap his own forehead with annoyance.  
“But what is he’s wrong? Are you so unwilling to believe in our relationship, so unwilling to take a minor risk for me?” He asks instead.  
“This isn’t a minor risk-”  
“Oh that’s right, you are. Cause of your fucking people and honour or whatever.” Sokka barks and lets out a frustrated sigh. _ _

__“Sokka, it’s not that I don’t believe in our relationship, it’s just,-I-” Zuko tries to amend.  
“It’s just what Zuko? What the fuck is it?”  
“I know I’m not good enough, and that you could do so much better and you could _never be in love with me_ , so why waste our time and get the whole world involved?!” He finally snaps. _ _

__The room goes silent. From a boisterous yell echoing off on the walls to pure silence, it feels empty, awkward. Sokka takes a step back, looking at Zuko again as he breathes rapidly, he notices for the first time there are tears in his eyes. He looks defeated. Sokka probably does too. Hearing those words were a stab to the chest. He realises that this isn’t about revenge or malice, this is about insecurity. Zuko doesn’t think he’s good enough. He doesn’t think he’s lovable. Sokka knows the feeling too and he wishes to banish it from his mind._ _

__“Zuko-”  
“Forget it. I’m going for a walk.”  
“Wait!” He pleads, reaching for Zuko’s arm again.  
“I said forget it.” Zuko bites and shoves Sokka away, swinging that same door shut again as he exits. _ _

__Zuko storms out of the room, leaving Sokka standing there, still catching his breath from yelling, heart racing with adrenaline, his mind trying to catch up with everything that just happened. He drops to the floor, knees crumbling beneath him and pants, his hands ruffling harshly through his hair, his eyes blinking back tears._ _

__This isn’t how it was supposed to be. Zuko was supposed to be happy, Sokka was supposed to be happy, all he wants is for them to be happy for once. But of course, thats not how it works. They’re both too confused, too insecure, too full of their own problems yet so unwilling to try and fix them but wanting so badly to mend the other. They never communicate. Words go unspoken and promises broken, how could they have ever worked together? They need to heal themselves, before they go breaking each other even more._ _

__There isn’t much more breaking either of them can take._ _

__They don’t have a lot of strength left and it takes strength to walk away and help yourself first, it takes strength to open up about your feelings, it takes strength to communicate and talk. Sokka is willing to sacrifice all of his strength, to do everything in his power to make this work, to make them work, if there is anything he is than he is resilient. He has the power to fight through a war and smile the whole way through it. Life constantly shoves him down again and again, but he’s learned to laugh as he forces himself back up. Sokka is willing to do anything to get what he or his family wants. But maybe that is part of the problem. The boy needs to save some strength for himself._ _

__He sighs and shakes his head a bit, as if that will relieve him of the guilt pounding in his brain. He shouldn’t have yelled. Yelling only ever makes things worse and now Zuko has run off and is probably going to do everything he can to try and avoid Sokka again even if it kills him._ _

__He could run after Zuko, but he knows that both of them can have a temper and they need some time to chill out and process everything that just happened. They need to think alone. Sokka needs to think alone. He’s exhausted, and at this stage, morning is probably only hours away, so even though he doubts he’ll sleep a wink tonight, he makes his way to his bed and collapses into the furs. They’re cold and bare, but comfy nonetheless, and despite his head swirling rapidly with overwhelming thoughts, he passes out within minutes._ _

__

__At breakfast time Zuko is nowhere to be seen, which isn’t a surprise. Sokka isn’t sure if he’s ready to face him anyway. He stares down at his food and sighs, for once he doesn’t have an appetite at all._ _

__At some point, Mai rushes in as he’s twirling one chopstick through his food and he doesn’t even look at her. He assumes that she probably knows what went down last night, however what she says makes Sokka question that._ _

__“Have you seen Zuko?” She asks quickly, her brows furrowed, which is unnatural for her.  
“No. I was with him last night but- we had a _disagreement_ and he went for a walk. He’s avoiding me now.” Sokka sighs.  
“Sokka, it’s noon.” Mai states.  
“So?”  
“I haven’t seen him all day. He never came back and it’s already noon. I haven’t seen him anywhere and even his guards don’t know where he is.” She says, each word filled with more concern. _ _

__“What?”  
He drops his food and feels panic subtly rising through his chest. This is not how everything was meant to go.  
“The hell were you two arguing about? Where did he go?” Mai demands.  
“I- I don’t know. He just left.” Sokka explains uselessly.  
“What do you mean he just left? What did you do?”  
“What did _I_ do?!” Sokka all but yells, standing up from his seat. _ _

__“Woah, woah. Hold on now.” Hakoda stands as well, holding his arm out to stop Sokka, “Let’s all calm down a bit. I’m sure Zuko just went out to get some fresh air and lost track of time. Maybe he’s meditating somewhere, cooling off. It’s only noon, he will be back by night for sure, and if not, then we can start to get concerned. Okay?”  
“Okay.” Sokka sighs. _ _

__

__It is okay. Zuko is going to come back, they will talk, they will apologise and make up for their fight and everything will be okay. Everything will finally be okay._ _

__The only problem is, he doesn’t come back._ _

___Zuko doesn’t come back_._ _

__And it’s night fall._ _

__And nobody knows where he is._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to this shithole. glad you could join us. chapter .... TEN?? that is insane. i’m proud of us. wow i’ve written ten chapters of this, how sad is my life- 
> 
> anyway. thank you for reading and continuing to read TEN CHAPTERS of this. idk feels like a milestone. have a heart <3\. 
> 
> this chapter took me a little longer, but to be fair life has been a pain in the ass this week and also a lot happened in this chapter. i think anyway. hopefully you liked it hehe :). 
> 
> don’t ask me why but writing arguments is so much fun, holy shit. i hope it reads well. i’d been looking forward to that scene for a while now. 
> 
> i left you with a cute little cliffhanger so in case you are curious next chapter will be up probably this time next week as usual. i’m hoping it’ll be a fun one ;). 
> 
> enough from me now, thank you so, so much for reading!! ahhhh!! thank you!!! feel free to chat with me in the comments, anything is welcome and appreciate as always <<3\. and of course have an amazing week.


	11. he won’t know

_I know I’m not good enough, and that you could do so much better and you could never be in love with me, so why waste our time and get the whole world involved?!_

Zuko regretted saying that the minute the words left his mouth. How stupid was he to just blurt out something as weak and pathetic as that? And to see the hurt in Sokka’s eyes, it was all jus too much. 

He grunts frustratedly and pushes back his hair aggressively. The thick snow around him is almost difficult to walk in it’s so deep and the lights from the village are fading behind him. He misses Caldera, the city and it’s sweltering heat which was always on the verge of uncomfortably hot, yet it was so comforting nonetheless. He isn’t used to the snow, this isn’t his element, this isn’t his home. He now understands Mai’s complaining earlier, she doesn’t even have the breath of fire to control her temperature so being here must be literal hell, or well, a cold version of hell. He trudges on through the snow, huffing out puffs of air. Zuko doesn’t want to go far, Agni knows he’ll freeze to death after a while out here, but he wants to get away. He wants to return back to the palace that is painted in obnoxious shades of red and holds horrible memories down every corridor, but at least it is familiar there. Working, sleeping, visiting his father, he had a routine there and things were finally settling down a bit right before they left for the South Pole, things began to feel more normal if that was even possible. His feelings didn’t feel as gross and his thoughts weren’t so disgustingly loud, things began to shut down again, old aches forgotten and he could finally get some work finished. Finally get over himself and do some good for the world. Now though, just as he expected, back here all of the old wounds are being ripped open again and Zuko is out here blatantly _exposing_ himself to Sokka, causing him to become irritable and hot tempered all over again. 

It’s like some sick never ending loop and Zuko just wants to jump right off before he is forced to go crashing down again. 

Mai had spoken to him earlier that day, told him he needed to stop avoiding Sokka because Sokka was the very reason that they came here in the first place. She was right of course, but Zuko didn’t want to admit that. He felt awfully guilty constantly running away from Sokka, but Sokka needs to learn to stop, to give up on Zuko already. He needs to realise that he is a lost cause. 

Because they are. Zuko has made a lot of stupid mistakes in the past, and he isn’t going to allow himself to make any more. He can’t afford to make anymore, especially considering the fact that the whole world has their eyes on him now. One mistake and he could quite literally cause another one hundred year war. 

His legs start to ache with all the brisk walking and he glances back at the village, a mere blur now, but still in sight. Zuko sighs and sits down on a patch of ice and snow, bringing his knees up to his chest. He can never sit so informally while acting as Firelord, but now, alone, it feels nice to hug his own knees. The air is so cold it feels like sharp icicles through his throat and lungs, so he allows himself to exhale a little bit of smoke. At least that fire within his soul is a familiar feeling, a reminder of his place as an outcast and guest here, nothing more. A former enemy and someone who has to prove himself and gain everyone’s trust again, as if that will be easy. A fire bender. The Firelord. Everything fire, fire, fire, not snow or ice or blue eyes or igloos or families or functional sisters, no, just fire. Beautiful burning fire. That is his home, that is his identity. Zuko realises this now with clarity. 

There are cliffs in the distance, ones made of pure ice. It is difficult to see due to it being so late at night, but Zuko can just about make out there jagged edges plummeting into the sea below. Even looking at it makes a shiver go down his spine. The restless ocean, merciless waves, the impossible temperatures drown you and all of your warmth and life until you’re a corpse resting on the ocean floor. Coughing, choking, drowning, until the life escapes from you. What an awful way to go. 

Just as Zuko is staring at the cliff sides, mind wandering and daydreaming, he hears the briefest step somewhere behind him. The slightest crunch of snow to his left, he whips around and stand up bringing his arms into a defensive position. He doesn’t even think for a second that it could’ve been Sokka who just followed him out here, but it’s good he didn’t because it isn’t Sokka. For once his paranoia is useful.

A person wearing dark, flowing robes looms over him, their face covered by shadows and their features hidden. Zuko should’ve heard them from miles away, but he didn’t somehow. They stand and stare at him, form calm yet mysterious. He doesn’t recognise them at all. 

“Who are you?” Zuko asks, keeping his hands up tensely. 

The figure doesn’t look distinguishable as any of the four elements, other than just pure darkness. The moon light glints on their thick robes. They doesn’t respond and so Zuko steps forward slowly, body ready to attack. Immediately they draw out a sword and strikes at Zuko, sword long and lean, shining like an beacon in the night. He jumps out of the way narrowly, cursing himself for leaving his own dual dao blades in the igloo, and rolls into the snow before standing back up elegantly, fists blazing. The orange of his fierce fire reflects on the person’s sword, causing an almost blinding light despite it being night time. Zuko was already pissed off before due to the whole situation with Sokka and he channels that into his bending, glaring at the stranger. 

“What do you want?” He sneers and gracefully shoots hot blasts of flame from his hands.

They dodge the flames surprisingly well, and go at Zuko again with their sword. Flame and sword, the two fighting methods Zuko is a master in, he almost feels bad for the other person, picking fights with the wrong people. They dance around for a while, walking in circles through the snow, dodging and attacking, forwards and backwards, fire and sword, until Zuko finally decides that he has had enough fun. Letting off some steam is enjoyable, but he has to put an end to it at some point. He inhales deeply, adjusting his footing, and thrusts a wall of glowing fire at the figure. The person seems to be hit as they deflate onto the ground, fire on their robes extinguished by the snow surrounding them. 

Zuko blinks in surprise at the ease of that and drops his defences, his all too kind heart taking over, and causing him to walk over the figure and see how much damage has been done. He doesn’t want them dead, or severely wounded, enough for them to stop attacking would suffice. The snow around him is now melted and blackened and Zuko can feel sweat on his forehead. The fight was a good workout while it lasted, he craves the adrenaline and releasing some of that inner rage. Even with assassins, fighting is cathartic, just another form of art and expression, the only difference being that lives are at stake and typically someone wants him dead. Zuko cautiously leans over onto the body of the person and squints at them, assessing if they are actually wounded or just faking it. Their robes are crisp in places and smoke wisps off of them as well as the stench of burning fabric. They remain motionless and right as Zuko comes further down in attempt to uncover their face, he spots quick movement in his peripheral vision. 

Out of nowhere another identical figure jumps from the snow and before he can react they stab Zuko with their fists in various places. He recognises the pattern instantly from having seen it up close countless times before. _Chi blocking_. Zuko falls helplessly onto the ground, all of the warmth from his bending rushes out of his body and a horrific chill hits him as his face lands heavily in the snow. His whole body goes numb and all he can do is practically eat the snow while trying to inhale. He looses control of his breathing and starts to pant, a burning cold sensation pumping into his lungs as if he’s drowning. He feels completely unbalanced and out of touch within himself, like part of him is missing and detached. Panic seizes him and the snow melts into his clothing and the coldness trickles onto his bare skin. Zuko’s body refuses to move and now he can hear footsteps of at least four people surrounding him at the dead of night, too far away from the village for anyone to notice. In fact nobody will even notice him absence until morning, as he’s known for disappearing at night. _Nobody is going to notice_.

As if on cue to his thoughts he thinks he hears the person who punched him giggle and she sounds like a young girl. What the fuck is going on? Who are these people? All he can do is stare into the snow, eyes burning, body stunned and dead to him. They can kill him, right here, right now, as he’s planted into the snow. He’s defenceless, useless, and will be for hours, that’s how chi blocking works. Surprisingly, as he thinks about it, his panic begins fade into something more manageable, which is odd given the circumstances, but it diminishes into something else, something new. Acceptance. 

This is it. He’s done for. 

_Agni, what a stupid way to go_. 

But Zuko has always been stubborn. Death has haunted him since birth and he has hid from it ever since. He always comes far too close to death than anyone else can and manages to make it out just fine, if not better. Death is more like a game to Zuko now, and he has a winning streak. Even when dealt the worst cards, he always manages to win somehow, to survive. He tries with all the energy he has to summon any amount of flame from his soul, any amount of anything, he so desperately tries to warm his body again, to feel that inner source of heat and power through his body, to reconnect with his soul, to gain back strength over his body. He concentrates and thinks back to all of the advice his Uncle had ever given him and sees if any of it is relevant to now, something has to be relevant.

But just as fire bending and sword fighting, chi blocking is a form of art, one you must practice, train and master to overcome, and Zuko has no idea where to even start. He’s witnessed Ty Lee training his whole childhood and seen her become a master of chi blocking, but he has no idea how she does it. This is unknown territory for him.

No energy or spark comes. Nothing comes. No matter how much determination and desperation he fuels his mind with, he remains frozen. He feels cold, colder than he ever has in his life, and bare. He can’t move. 

Has he finally lost his ability to beat the odds? Is this finally the time he looses? Is this what defeat feels like? 

“Pick him up.” A middle aged male voice orders. He sounds like some kind of commander, someone who thinks he’s a leader, in control of everyone else. Suddenly someone grabs a fistful of Zuko’s hair and hoists his head up aggressively. Zuko sucks in a breath and tries to resist but he physically cannot and his head bounces loosely. Distantly he sees blood dripping from his mouth onto the snow. It’s bitter, bright red a starring contrast to the innocent white of the ground. The figure squats down to be level with Zuko, face darkened and eyes hidden, Zuko hears his own heart hammering in his ears. 

_This is it_. 

If he could Zuko would spit in his face and then kick and break the other man’s nose, but he’s paralysed and that just about rules out any chance of fighting back. Before Zuko even has time to think of anything else to do the man backs away slowly and raises his fist.  
“Goodnight Firelord.” He says, voice chillingly calm, and in the blink of an eye his fist collides with Zuko’s face and everything goes black. 

The feeling of swaying back and forth. The faint smell of jasmine tea. Wooden floorboards, large crowds, counters and aprons. Zuko knows this place, it’s the Jasmine Dragon in Ba Sing Se. He doesn’t remember how he got here and thinking about it makes his head hurt painfully. Uncle is laughing with customers in the front of the shop, Zuko is brewing a chai tea, he scorches the leaves a little by accident, but it’s okay, he knows Uncle won’t mind. Sokka is here too, he and Toph are sitting at a table together giggling and shouting as they drink their sweet drinks. Zuko smiles and feels butterflies in his stomach just looking at Sokka.

He distantly remembers having to worry about something to do with Sokka, but shakes the thought away. That wouldn’t make any sense, he loves Sokka and Sokka loves him, there is nothing to worry about there. Zuko makes more tea and Uncle laughs and Toph giggles. He feels light and empty, his mind feels _simple_ for some reason. Like suddenly things are no longer complicated and overwhelming, he’s just making tea and Uncle is laughing and Toph is giggling. And again and again, he makes tea, Uncle laughs, Toph giggles, it starts to form a rhythm, until the swaying gets stronger, Zuko starts to get colder and something about this feels _wrong_. What are they doing in Ba Sing Se? How is he even here? The thrumming in his head gets louder and the buzz of chattering and laughing turns into an awful ringing sound and everything starts to blur together. 

Through ringing and dizziness he feels like he’s falling and the café that was once the setting before him disappears. He’s spinning and in pain, he can here voices yelling. 

_“It’s just what Zuko? What the fuck is it?”_ Sokka. 

_“Who are you and what do you want?”_ Uncle. 

_“I can promise you Zuko, you are never safe.” Ozai._

Zuko jostles awake abruptly in a cold sweat and catches his breath back as he takes in his surroundings. The tes shop is gone as are the voices, his breath being the loudest sound now. It’s dark, there’s metal, lots of metal, he also happens to be in chains. Suddenly everything comes back to him and he remembers, he was attacked on the South Pole by strange people in robes and for some reason, he’s still alive. That same rocking feeling is ever present and he realises due to the swaying and splashing noises not far, he must be on a boat. 

_A boat_. They’re taking him somewhere, this wouldn’t have been the first kidnapping attempt, but by the looks of it this seems to be the most successful one so far. Usually the threats are all the same, steal the Firelord, hold him ransom, demand for some laws to be changed or for money, although none of them had ever actually gotten their hands on Zuko.

Honestly, all Zuko can think about is how embarrassing this is. Master fire bender and wielder of the dao blades and he got taken out by around three people in stupid looking robes and a chi blocker. He was also an idiot to go out at night without his guards without telling anyone where he was going or when he would be back. It was the perfect time for anyone to strike, and they did. The one time he goes out to get a breath of air, the one time his guards leave him alone, he gets kidnapped. It’s embarrassing. Zuko supposes he never had been a very lucky person though. 

He sighs and leans his head back onto a wall of metal behind him. The room he is in is small, there are no bars just thick walls and every inch of it is metal, meaning if he tried to bend carelessly to escape, he could risk ultimately just burning himself and probably suffocating himself too. It reminds him of being locked in the boiling rock, in the cooler, especially given that this room is freezing. His wrists are shackled to the floor and his ankles are too. He can actually feel his limbs unlike earlier which is a good sign, or perhaps a bad sign suggesting that he has been out long enough that the chi blocking has worn off and that would mean they are already a considerable ways away from the South Pole. 

He realises he is shivering (okay, so maybe not that far from the South Pole), his chains clattering on the floor due to his shaking, and takes a stabilising breath in in order to allow some of his inner flame to seep out. Expect, nothing comes. Instead of comforting heat streaming though him, he feels even colder. Shivers rack him now and he clenches his jaw in frustration. He breathes in again, and nothing. 

He feels empty. Lacking himself. What kind of chi blocking is this? 

Zuko tries to summon a flame in his hand and nothing comes, not even a puff. He bangs his head on the wall in frustration, which promptly adds pain to the intense headache he already had, and closes his eyes in attempt to make everything go away. Make the whole situation go away. Maybe he will wake up and his bending will be back, or better yet he will be back at home in the palace. 

Instead of drifting into his sleep again the door of his cell swings open loudly and Zuko manages to whack his head against the metal again by flinching so hard. 

“Glad to see you’re awake, your majesty.”  
It’s the same oddly calm, male voice of authority speaking to him. He is still completely unidentifiable, robes fresh and gloomy as ever. Zuko couldn’t make eye contact with him even if he wanted to. Perhaps that is a benefit. 

“Why am I still alive? Where are you taking me?” He asks, voice sore and extremely coarse, it feels like he had been drinking ashes. 

“My Lord, why so curious? I can assure you that you are in very capable hands.” The man muses and Zuko barely resists rolling his eyes. 

“Where are you taking me?”  
“Away. You know, you make our job very easy Firelord, wandering out at night like that with no guards, at first I even thought it was a trap. Turns out you’re just, well, stupid.” The man casually shrugs as he paces around the room, Zuko glaring at him furiously. 

“Still took at least four of you to take me down and I’m still breathing, cowards.” He spits.  
“Don’t get upset now. I’ll have you know you wont be alive for long, if that’ll cheer you up.” The man adds and Zuko can hear the malicious smile in his tone. He swallows and pushes his panicking thoughts away. 

“Who are you people?” He asks instead. 

“Simply escorts, if you will.”  
“Escorts?” Zuko repeats. The fuck kind of escorts kidnap people?  
“Indeed.” The man nods simply. 

Zuko gulps again as the realisation dawns on him.

_I have sources from the outside and allies, I can promise you Zuko, you are never safe._

“To my father?” He mutters. The man stops pacing and turn to face Zuko. Even without eyes visible he feels the dangerous glint in the man’s gaze. 

“Why, of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, okay, we’re getting somewhere. did you guys call it? i bet you called it. congrats. 
> 
> happy february!! i’m still here and i’m still spitting out this nonsense once a week. but more importantly you’re still here, thank you!! you reading this makes my day <3\. 
> 
> this chapter was funnn. i really hope you enjoyed it. honestly how can you even have a zukka fic without assassination attempts?? hmm?? how?? that’s right, you can’t. so suffer :). 
> 
> enough of me talking more shit, THANK YOU AGAIN. feel free to befriend me in the comments if you want to make me super flustered and happy hehe. i really appreciate it <3\. thank you again and i’ll see you guys probably by the end of this week for CHAPTER TWELVE babyy. 
> 
> enjoy your week!!


	12. he failed again

Three days. They had lasted three days together before some kind of shit had to go down. Better yet, in those three days Sokka wasn’t sure if him and Zuko even exchanged more than five sentences, other than their argument of course. 

It’s almost laughable how unlucky they are. Except it isn’t, cause it’s fucking sad. _Three days._

Everyone had kept it together, including Sokka for the most part, until the day after Zuko went missing someone found a trail of blood left in the snow not far from the village. Not only blood but also patches of melted away and burnt snow, making it obvious that a fight had gone down, and at least one of the people fighting had been a fire bender. Zuko and his guards were the only fire bender accounted for on the South Pole as of now and his guards claimed to have never been this far out from the village, meaning everything lead to one solid conclusion. Zuko was here and he fought.

Other than the blood, the crisped up snow and a few footsteps here and there, none of which lead to anywhere, the scene was rather empty. There were no bodies, thank the spirits, but also no signs of where any of them could’ve gone. 

People suspected he could’ve been taken by someone, Mai had clarified that many people were out to get him in the Fire Nation which was just so great and reassuring to Sokka, but also not surprising because someone was always wanted Zuko dead, but they had always failed. Everyone had always failed because Zuko is a master fire bender and swordsman who knows how to fend for himself. Except for now, apparently. 

They also thought it was odd that the alleged kidnappers left his blood so out in the open, unless they wanted it to be found. It was like some sick sign or marking, maybe a warning or a clue. One voice, whom Sokka wasn’t bothered to try and identify, mentioned it being a trap, another declared how sicking this all is and one person had the audacity to claim that maybe the Firelord had just run away on his own accord and Sokka isn’t sure how it was even possible but his anger managed to double at hearing that.

So many things were happening at once, someone was going out to the waters, others inspecting the snow, guards recounted exactly why they left the Firelord alone, but Sokka just stood there.

He stood there, eyes shining and unblinking at the blood in the snow. It wasn’t a lot, in fact very little, but it was there nonetheless. No animals hunt out in these plains, they are too close to the cliffs, no one from the Southern Water Tribe had reported any hunting or even injuries of their own. Zuko was missing. There was a suspicious stain of blood across the snow that came from nowhere. It only pointed to one possibility. Zuko fought someone, someone was hurt and bled, Zuko is still missing. Meaning, _he lost_. 

How? How can it even hurt this bad to stare at a frozen sheet of red? How could Zuko have simply lost? He doesn’t do that, _he never looses_. 

To make it even worse, Sokka and Zuko had an argument, Zuko got so mad that he ran out in the middle of the night, then it turns out he was potentially kidnapped that very night. Basically, _it is so clearly Sokka’s fault_. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough, him and Zuko are on terrible terms right now. Their first conversation in a month consisted of the two of them yelling and storming out on each other and now one of them was missing. He could be dead. 

No. _No_ , he couldn’t. 

There’s no body, meaning he’s not dead. Sokka does refuses to even consider that as an option. Nobody considers that as an option, not even the jerk who suspects he might of run away wants to think about the Firelord being dead. It simply isn’t an option. Sokka won’t let it be an option. 

Sure, shouting at Zuko after missing him for weeks really hurt, but for him to _die_? This wouldn’t even be considered the slightest amount of pain if Zuko was assassinated and killed. This longing and hurt in Sokka’s soul would be something he would wish he could have back if Zuko ended up being dead. This is nothing compared to that. 

It feels all too familiar. 

Sokka remembers like it was yesterday, the day of the end of the one hundred year war. A year later and the memories still haunt him, the nightmares still fresh in his mind, the pain still stinging in his heart. As he held Toph’s hand, her small, young body one slip away from falling to the ground, one grip away from dying. _Sokka’s grip_. He heard the stomping of the soldiers, as he laid there, leg throbbing in pain and arm practically ripping apart in agony. 

It was moments like those that really reminded him that they were fighting in a war. Moments like those that reminded him, wars involve killing and death, not only fighting, that there was always a chance that none of them would survive. That these kids, his friends, his family, would die and him along with them. 

He had experienced a lot of death in his life. First his mother, then Yue and then he was holding the line between life and death for Toph. It only lasted a few seconds before Suki saved them, but those seconds changed Sokka for the rest of his life. 

When they arrived back to the Fire Nation after Ozai was defeated, they were all wrecked and injured, but still bared enough energy to be nervous as hell to see if Katara and Zuko were okay.

Sokka still remembers the look of regret and pure exhaustion on his younger sister’s face. He wishes he had never had to seen her like that, so defeated and hopeless, clothes torn and burnt, body and face covered in dirt. But worst of all her eyes were red and puffy, yet dim, lacking the hope that always shone from them, the hope that Katara is known to have and provide to everyone. It was gone. She looked so tired. 

With her eyes filled with despair she gave them a single, slight shake of her head and suddenly the pain of Sokka’s broken leg was nothing, the pain of holding onto Toph to keep her alive was nothing, the whole victory of the war meant nothing to him if all of them didn’t make it out alive. If _Zuko_ didn’t make it out alive. 

At this point, he was only friends with Zuko, only starting to get to know the dramatic, brooding teen that he was. Their friendship was only just beginning to blossom and yet it had felt like so much more. Sokka supposed that breaking into a prison together does that to them.The secret glances at one another, the lingering touches, the shy smiles and undeniable blushes. They had yet to even begin to grow into something more than friendship.

Sokka never thought that he would fall for a boy, let alone one with golden eyes and a monster as his father, but he did and it excited him as much as it scared him. He wanted to learn as much as he could about the boy who turned against his whole country, the boy who sacrificed everything for the greater good for the world, the boy who decided to _change_. 

That opportunity was being torn away as Zuko was dying in front of him. 

He ended up surviving, against all of the odds. Sokka never liked to admit how much that time of Zuko’s recovery really affected him, how much seeing bloody bandages and an unconscious, limp body scared him. How much seeing Toph start crying silently because she could feel how bad it was scared him. How being so helpless, really fucking scared him. 

Sokka had always felt like he was the worthless one in the group. He already felt useless for not being a bender, but standing there, staring at Zuko who was unmoving and who looked dead, he felt a new type of uselessness grow inside of him. A new kind of pain. There was nothing he could do to help. Absolutely nothing. He had failed. He should’ve protected him, but he failed. They all failed. 

He can’t bear to fail again. He won’t survive it.

Sokka doesn’t like to think about the time right after the end of war. It hurts too much. He never wants to relive that again and he doesn’t want to remember it again, although no matter what he does the vivid images live in the back of his mind. 

Drops of frozen blood in the snow. Wet, hot blood on the bandages across his chest. This blood belonged to the same boy, the boy that Sokka swore to never allow to bleed again. 

He stares at the red pattern in the snow until he had memorised each and every droplet of it, the intense red leaking into the white. Despite everything horrific it represented, the red and white was a pretty contrast. Something worth staring at. 

Suddenly, a heavy hand rests onto Sokka’s shoulder, jerking him out of his own thoughts. 

“This isn’t your fault, Sokka.” It’s Hakoda, he has a serious look on his face, brows furrowed and mouth in a small frown.   
“I never said it was.” He whispers and moves his eyes away from his Dad, back to staring so intensely at the blood. Hakoda sighs and squeezes his shoulder a little.   
“What were you two arguing about? You mentioned it yesterday.”  
Sokka shakes his head and clenches his jaw, spirits, it hurts to even think about it.   
_“Sokka, you left me. You don’t get to complain, you’re the one who fucking left me.”_

“Exactly what you are thinking.” Sokka mutters sadly, “He blamed me for leaving, I blamed him for agreeing with you. It’s all just such a mess, isn’t it?”  
“I know how you think, and I know how you take responsibility for everyone, so let me tell you right now that this isn’t your fault, Sokka.” Hakoda states firmly.   
“It sure as hell feels like it is.”

They both get interrupted as they hear Mai suddenly yelling near by. 

“You had one job. _One job._ ” She spits.   
“My lady, he refused to allow us to follow, he ordered us to leave him be.” One of the guards says calmly and the other nods in agreement.   
“I don’t care! You know what a stubborn piece of shit he can be, you should’ve followed him anyway!”

Sokka and Hakoda both wince and he gives a final pat to Sokka’s shoulder.   
“I better go make sure Mai doesn’t end up stabbing one of them.” Hakoda sighs and heads towards the bickering three.   
“Hah. Good luck.” Sokka teases as his father walks away and he is left alone again. 

Nobody comes to any conclusions. There is no concrete evidence suggesting where Zuko could’ve been taken to. Nobody knows what’s happening and everyone is freaking out. 

Sokka just sort of feels numb to it all. He is ushered into his room to prevent himself from freezing outside staring at the blood for so long. He feels hopeless and lost. 

None of this feels real. It’s too cruel to be real. He half expects Zuko to be waiting for him in his room and for his to claim that everything was just a joke, but he isn’t. It’s empty and he sits there alone with his thoughts. 

At some point, Mai arrives at the entrance to his room. Sokka assumes that Hakoda, Bato and everyone else are too busy trying to figure out what the hell happened to deal with Sokka right now. Besides, he just wants to be alone. He wants everything and everyone to go away. 

“Sokka, I know it sounds stupid, but you can’t give up.”  
Mai is standing in his doorway, eyes tired and bored as ever, casually admiring a knife in her hands. 

“Mai, I really just want to be alone right now.” Sokka grumbles hoping she’ll leave, but of course it doesn’t work. She ignores him and walks in further.   
“I love him too, I know how it feels. It sucks, but Zuko’s strong, he’s going to be fine. You have to believe in him. You sitting around crying about it isn’t going to help him.” She says simply.   
“I- I am not crying.” Sokka glares at her and she rolls her eyes. He’s glad he managed to wipe away his tears from earlier before she came in. That would’ve been embarrassing.   
“Crying, moping, whatever.” She says, but then turns more serious, looking up from her knife into his eyes, “We’re going to find him, Sokka.” 

“How? How are we going to find him? All we have is a pile of blood to lead us. How the fuck are we going to find him?” Sokka scoffs.   
“It’s a good thing we have the smartest person in the world here then.” Mai shrugs casually.   
“Who?”  
“You, idiot. Zuko always praised how brilliant and talented you are, although I personally find it hard to believe.”  
“Yeah, well you shouldn’t believe him, cause it isn’t true.” Sokka says coldly.   
“Maybe. But you should at least try and prove him right.” Mai adds. 

They both go silent and Sokka waits for Mai to leave but she doesn’t. He hates the silence. There is such an odd tension between Mai and Sokka, one that’s difficult to describe. Sokka isn’t sure if he should be jealous of Mai or feel bad for her. 

“You two are dating.” Sokka breaks the silence while looking at the opposite side of the room. He’s just stating a fact, a sad, true fact that should’ve affected Sokka a lot more than it did at the time. He hears Mai shift to his side, she moves closer to him and sighs. 

“You know it’s not like that.”  
“Then what is it like? I’m so confused. You know how my Dad first reacted?” He turns and faces Mai again, her grey, stoic eyes gazing back at him. “He said, ‘I wonder when they’re going to get married.’ When _you two_ are going to get married. Tui and La, how stupid am I to invite you both here?”

“Zuko didn’t do it to hurt you, and he meant to tell you straight away. I did it to protect him, Sokka. You and I both know how many people want him _dead_ , can you imagine what it would be like if the people knew he was gay too? The Fire Nation is changing, but slowly. Let him deal with one problem at a time.”  
“That doesn’t make it any easier.” Sokka murmurs. 

It doesn’t. Yes, things are difficult, but things are always going to be difficult. The world is fighting and will continue to fight against them until the day they die, but that doesn’t meant that Sokka wants to stop fighting. Endless excuses and multiple reasons as to why they shouldn’t be together doesn’t make it any easier or hurt any less to accept that. As long as they are both breathing, Sokka wants to fight for them, he’s willing to give up everything for them, his Tribe, his future place as Chief, he’d give it all. He knows that now. 

Now, that he isn’t sure if Zuko even is still breathing. Now that there might be no chance at all, that there might no longer be someone to fight for. He wants it more than ever before. 

“It wasn’t easy for him either.” Mai protests, “You have to understand that.”  
“He moved on. And I practically begged him to come back. He moved on with you and I was just too stuck in the past to realise that. I should’ve never asked you guys to come here, then at least he would be safe and you would both be okay.” Sokka says the last words under his breath and clenches his fists unconsciously. 

Of course he had to ruin everything. Of course he had to cause Zuko harm. 

“Hey. This isn’t your fault. Besides, he wouldn’t have been okay even if we stayed in the Fire Nation. He was suffering without you. He never slept, hardly ate and kept sneaking out somewhere at night. It was hell having to watch him like that and knowing I couldn’t do anything about it. Don’t carry the blame when it isn’t yours to carry.” Mai reassures.   
“I know he wasn’t okay. He looked like shit and seemed simultaneously exhausted and anxious as hell. Like even before things were kind of bad, but that was _bad bad_.” Sokka laughs humourlessly, but it fades into silence again and he finds himself choking up unintentionally. “I just want him to be okay.”

Sokka just wants to hear Zuko’s rough, raspy voice say something sarcastic or awkward or an awful attempt at a joke. He wants to run his hands through his dark, silky hair and caress his pale, scarred skin. He wants to say some corny joke that is so stupid but so funny for some reason and to hear Zuko’s distinct chuckle and to laugh with him until his stomach hurts. He wants to see the way in which Zuko blushes so intensely when Sokka uses sweet, sappy terms of endearment and to watch as his face turn to the colour of his robes. He wants to stay up late at night and throw pillows at Zuko when he refuses to go to sleep. He wants to cuddle him and embrace his incredible warmth as if it is his lifeline. He wants to hear Zuko’s steady breathing and feel his heart beating within his toned chest and just know that everything is okay.

He wants it to be okay. He wants them to be okay. 

But more than anything, he wants Zuko to be okay. He needs him to be alive. He needs him to be safe. And if that only happens when he has nothing to do with Sokka, then so be it, as long as he is safe and happy. 

“Get your friends. The more people we have, the quicker we’ll find him and get him back.” Mai suggests. “This is a worldly matter, after all.”

When Zuko had been struck through the chest with lightning, Sokka had felt so helpless. He wasn’t a healing, wasn’t a water bender and there was nothing he could do. But now, this is an investigation, this is a mystery, something right up Sokka’s ally. Something he can solve. He was going to do everything he could to try and fix it, because this time, he can. This time, he can help and he is going to help. Sokka’s smart and bright, this is something he can do. 

“Good idea. I’ll write to them all. This is an emergency and we’ll need everyone we can. We don’t even know who we are up against.” Sokka says briskly. 

He jumps up and is about to run out to find something to write with when he stops and faces Mai again, this time with more determination in his eyes. A spark of hope. 

_They are going to find him. Sokka is going to find him._

He isn’t going to give up just yet. 

“Thank you, Mai.”  
She smirks and rolls her eyes elegantly.   
“Whatever. Just keep me informed.”  
“Of course.” He smiles and runs out of there as fast as he can, heart racing with anticipation but also fear. 

It’s time to get the Gaang back together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR OVER ONE THOUSAND HITS!! every single one means the world to me and you guys seriously make me so happy. thank you!! i can’t express my gratitude enough <3 <3 <3
> 
> and of course thank you for reading this chapter. i really hope you guys are enjoying the plot. also happy belated valentine’s day 💖💖. hope you all enjoyed your day and if not do not worry my guys. is it even really valentines if you don’t spend it eating chocolates, blasting sad romantic music and crying alone?? no. no it is not. 
> 
> ugh sorry to be posting again on a monday ://. mondays give me such gross vibes. i’m on a bit of a break right now so expect the next chapter sooner rather than later hopefully. 
> 
> iffff by any chance you wanted to guarantee a faster update and inspire me then maybe you could comment something? idk, just a thought. seriously though, comments and kudos really inspire me to write more and just make me feel amazing in general so please go mad xx. everything is much appreciated :)). 
> 
> also, sokka and mai friendship? i think yes. and oh man are you guys excited to see the gaang?? hehe fun times ahead so stay tuned!! 
> 
> okay, shit, this is so long. apologies for rambling. in summary, thank you again for reading, leave a comment, stick around, and i’ll see you all soon. <<3.


	13. he has to understand why

Well this is ironic. First it takes a month for Zuko to actually go and visit Sokka in the Southern Water Tribe, only for him to be kidnapped there and forcefully taken all the way back to the Fire Nation just to be killed by his father. Couldn’t they have just done this when he was in the Fire Nation for the past year? Wouldn’t that be so much more convenient?

Zuko thinks he has been here at least a few hours now. He’s been taking a mental note of everything that is happening, just in case he can come up with any way to escape. 

Someone comes to check on him every half hour or so, each time a different person, and they come in rotations. So far there seems to be at least four different people, including the leader man. None of them are identifiable yet and they seem to be from all walks of life, which is a bit odd considering most Ozai loyalists would be stubborn, old men who are allergic to change and new, better ideologies. 

Generally, younger people tended to be more open minded towards peace and the new way of ruling provided by Zuko, but everyone has their own opinions and their own frame of mind. A lot of the time spent ruling Zuko seriously doubted himself, so he doesn’t blame other people for doubting him too. He’s just an inexperienced teenage boy in the end, he is sure to have flaws and people have a right to want to replace him. But with Ozai? That’s what crosses the line for Zuko. 

Three of the kidnappers are chatty, again, including the leader, the young woman who chi blocked him and another man. The other one says nothing which Zuko would assume would be more typical for kidnappers, but nothing about these people scream normal kidnappers anyway.

Zuko can’t bend at all. It doesn’t feel like the passing time is doing him any good either. This is probably the worst problem. 

He’s being taken back to the Fire Nation to be killed by his father, meaning, they want to keep him alive until then, but barely. 

And last but not least, he’s alone. For the intervals between the guards checking to make sure he’s still breathing, he’s left alone. He should spend this time planning on how to escape, working on braking through his cuffs, just doing _something_ that can help him get out of here, but he’s just so tired. Fire benders are full of passion, spite, energy, they feel emotions so intensely and are driven by the sheer will power and determination pulsating through them constantly. They are fearless, stubborn fighters who won’t give up until their dying breath. It’s what makes them so powerful and intimidating, what makes them seem so unstoppable and brave. 

When Zuko lost his fire bending in the Western Air temples, it was because he was confused. For so many years he had driven his fire from rage, hate and his duty to capture the Avatar. When he had changes sides and joined Aang, he was unbalanced and uncertain, his whole life turned upside down and his whole perception of everything completely rebuilt. Visiting the Sun Warriors and witnessing the dragon’s beautiful flame had changed him once again, brought Zuko his purpose back and given him clarity. The balance within himself was restored. 

This is different though. He doesn’t feel unbalanced, he feels a whole part of his is gone. Not uncertain or weak, just missing. A void. It feels like someone had stripped him bare of his power, warmth and willingness to live and left him out here to freeze to death. Beyond the temperature of the cell and being in the middle of the ocean, beyond his body and physical being, Zuko feels cold. 

_His soul feels cold._

He feels empty. And every minute that passes it feels worse and worse as if this deathly chill is expanding and his inner fire and fading further, becoming harder to grasp. As if he is drowning, the light is disappearing, his lungs are burning and all he wants is to be able to breathe again but he can’t because he’s sinking. He’s being dragged under with thick metal and impossible restraints. All he can do is sit around and watch as he falls further away from air and wait to reach the bottom of the ocean as a mere corpse. 

Is this how his father feels? 

He pushes the thought away immediately. Unlike his father, Zuko will get his bending back. This is temporary and curable, he hopes. 

It’s awful, truly awful and exhausting, but he’s alive as of now and that’s all he can really ask for.

The kidnappers visiting him is a welcome distraction to Zuko’s suffering, and they haven’t actively hurt him yet, other than the punch to the face, although there are no guarantees they won’t. Given the fact that his father probably wants to kill Zuko himself, he’s willing to bet that these idiots have to keep him alive until they get to the Fire Nation, to give Ozai the true _honour_ of stopping his heart.

The whole situation really isn’t ideal. How they are going to get him to the prison which Ozai is held in without anyone noticing? Zuko isn’t sure, it based on his recent visits he knows it isn’t impossible. The guards are only people and people have shifts and once you studying it hard enough you could probably bypass them. That’s a problem for the future though. Hopefully they don’t even get that far. 

A sudden bang on the cell door startles Zuko out of his thoughts. 

“Hi.” It’s the other chatty man, though this time his face is visible as the hood of his cloak is down. He’s surprisingly young and definitely Fire Nation, with dark hair and light skin. 

“Hello.” Zuko replies with uncertainty, his voice painfully hoarse and stiff. What are you meant to say to your kidnapper? Is he even meant to respond?  
“Still alive? That’s good. The boss doesn’t want you dead. Yet.” He shrugs casually. 

“What are you wearing?” Curiosity gets the best of Zuko and he rathers having meaningless conversations with the man than being alone feeling like death. 

The man blinks with confusion in response. Even when talking to the very people how kidnapped him and want him dead, Zuko can’t not be awkward. 

“Oh this?” He gestures to his robes, “Some old, fancy robe like thing. Sure, what’s the point of kidnapping the Firelord if we don’t do it in style? One of the others insisted.”

“And who exactly are the others?” Zuko prods. _Anything as a distraction, anything as a distraction_. Zuko just wants him to keep talking, as ridiculous as it sounds, he wants him to keep him company. 

The man seems to catch on and raises a brow, now leaning casually onto one of the walls. 

“You’re chatty huh? I suppose it doesn’t matter if I tell you, since you’re a _dead man_.” He frowns, “We were all grouped together by your father, put together as a team. You’ve met the boss, the dude who knocked you out? Yeah, he’s the real, hardcore loyalist here. He seems to be convinced that the world would be a much better place without you in it. He practically worships Ozai. Sees him as some sort of god who will save the Fire Nation from your disgraceful ruling.”

Now that’s interesting to Zuko. Only one of them a true Ozai loyalist? What was his father thinking sending a random bunch of people to capture him, they don’t even want him to rule. 

“What about you?” Zuko continues. This man might be his best source of information and seems to be completely indifferent about revealing all of their ‘teams’ secrets. Idiot. 

“Me? I don’t really care. All rulers are miserable and the same rich, greedy people. You guys literally feed off of other people suffering, stealing our money and freedom. War or not, people will always suffer. You make sure of that.” He glares down at Zuko, there is boredom, as well as certainty in his eyes. His smug look means he’s positive that he is right and Zuko wants to slap it right off of him and he would if he wasn’t literally chained to the floor. 

“That’s not-” Zuko begins with frustration.  
“True? _Sure, Firelord_. You believe whatever you want. Now, enough distracting me for the day. Go back to your solitude.” He demands and stands up straight, pulling his hood back over his head. Without another word he leaves and locks the door behind him. 

Zuko wants to call after him, to yell that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, to prove him wrong, but every passing second his body gets colder and weaker and he just doesn’t have the energy anymore. Instead he slumps down, closing his eyes for a few minutes, while shivering uncontrollably. The more time that fades, the more he realises that maybe the man is right, maybe he is a dead man. 

Surprisingly the first thing that hits him isn’t his own life. It isn’t the fact that he’s still young and has so much to do, it isn’t about his nation either, about leaving it in empty hands, or even worse, Ozai’s hands. The first thing he thinks about is Sokka, how they had left each other on such terrible terms. Thinking about their shouting and arguing makes Zuko physically hurt. Looking back at it, he wishes that he had just stopped talking and started simply kissing Sokka. He would’ve, if he had know that it was his last chance.

He would’ve done a lot of things differently. 

Thinking back now, he hates himself for avoiding Sokka. He did it to protect himself, because he’s so fucking weak, but now all it had managed to do was cause him even more harm. He realises now that maybe taking a risk, doing something embarrassing, it is probably worth it. It’s worth it if it means he can live happily with Sokka for the rest of his life. If he can die feeling fulfilled and not remorseful and lonely. Maybe then he could die satisfied with his life and not wishing it had been so much more. 

There’s always the possibility that Sokka doesn’t love him. But what about the possibility that he does? Zuko had never thought about it like that before, and it felt nice. Genuinely nice. If he wasn’t locked up in a cell in the middle of the ocean on the way to his death, he would probably even smile at the thought of Sokka loving him back. 

If he’s nearing death and thinking about Sokka, then that must mean that Zuko loves him, right?

The though of Sokka keeps him occupied. Zuko thinks back to all of the stories that Sokka had told him about the South Pole over the months. Zuko should’ve payed more attention and he should’ve let Sokka show him everything on the South Pole, properly. He was too caught up in his own bullshit to consider that Sokka might want to proudly display his home to him, and Agni, Zuko wants to listen to him so bad. To hear the crazy tales that Sokka as somehow lived through, voice ecstatic and eyes somewhere else entirely, as if he was reliving the memories again. 

He thinks back to his dream about the tea shop, with Uncle and Sokka. Maybe something like that could happen in real life, maybe it’s possible if Zuko would just stop caring so much about being Firelord and start caring more about himself and his relationship with the people he loves.

Zuko thinks he might just kill for hot tea right now, even if the leaves were completely scorched and bitter. Anything for some warmth, some familiarity. 

Another bang on his door. That was a fast shift. Zuko isn’t sure if he should be concerned or thankful for his complete lack of a sense of time. Perhaps both. 

“Alive? Oh Firelord, you’re not looking too good honestly.”

It is the girl that chi blocked him. 

“ _Thanks_. What did you do to me?” He rasps. It wont be long until he looses his voice completely at this point, it’s so damn cold. 

“A little magic. Some messing around with your chakras, nothing major. You won’t die from it, probably. But you will feel like death. I’m glad it worked, you were my first practice!” She says enthusiastically. 

What is wrong with this girl? She reminds Zuko of some fucked up version of Ty Lee, with the chi blocking and the giggling. It is very off putting. 

“I have some good news! I brought some food.”She exclaims pushing forwards a tray of what looks identical to prison food, disgusting. Zuko honestly hadn’t even thought about the fact that he hasn’t eaten in hours, maybe that is the partial reason as to why he is so utterly cold to the bone. Besides a few bites of the food kindly provided by Sokka’s grandmother, he hadn’t even eaten much even when he wasn’t captured. Food was something he associated with Sokka, and anything associated Sokka he tended to ignore nowadays. It’s stupid looking back. Maybe if he hadn’t so stubborn, he wouldn’t be forced to eat to this shit now in order to not starve to death. 

_Although…_

Which is worse, starvation or dying by your father’s hands? It would be quite something to kill himself before Ozai got the chance, to steal the satisfaction from him, make his great efforts worthless in the end. This is a choice that Zuko still has. Even chained up, he still manages to find freedom, the freedom to choose how he goes. He doesn’t want to live to give Ozai what he wants. He doesn’t want to just be another pawn for Ozai to play, he doesn’t want to be used. If there is anything Zuko can do to mess him his father’s plan he’s going to do it, his own suffering be damned.

The girl just confirmed he’s going to feel like death anyway, what a little hunger on top of that? 

During the war, Zuko and his Uncle had survived weeks without food and water floating on a piece of wood to shore. Now, he’ll be in the Fire Nation in no more than a week most likely, not long enough to die due to starvation, but his body has been rather out of character as of lately. He has no fire bending, he has no strength, he hadn’t eaten an excess amount before being captured. This could actually work. He might actually be able to starve himself to death. Wouldn’t that be something? To take back the control from his father, to cause one more disappointment, to commit one more act of failure. Now that is something Zuko would be excited for. Now _that_ would be in character. 

“Hello? I just said I brought you food. You should be grateful.” Giggly girl snaps, pushing the tray forwards even more enthusiastically, “Your chains are loose enough to eat it, don’t be stupid.”  
“I’m not hungry.” Zuko insists. The girl freezes and sighs dramatically.  
“Boss was afraid this would happen. Just eat, it isn’t so hard.” She spits.  
“ _No._ ” 

If Zuko is going to get kidnapped, the people that kidnap him should know that he’s going to give them hell. It’s the least he can do really. 

The girl giggles her stupid, annoying giggle and comes up close to Zuko. 

“You make it seem like you have a choice, Your Majesty.” She squats down to Zuko’s level and takes the side of his face in her hand. 

Zuko flinches instinctively even when her touch is soft and gentle at first. It reminds him of when Mai would hold his face and inspect his eyes to see if he had slept that night. Mai was welcome though, Mai was safe. As soon as the kindness came, it leaves. She draws back her hand and slaps him hard across the face, the clap of the impact echoing throughout the cell and hitting off of the walls. It stings the side of Zuko’s face badly, and he’s sure he has an imprint of her hand on his cheek now as he tries to catch his breath again. 

He doesn’t dare look back up at her, he won’t give her the satisfaction of a reaction. He stares at the floor instead, shiny and empty, blinking back instinctive tears and trying his hardest not to shake. Not now at least. 

“Eat it or I’ll try some of my new tricks on you. Just you wait.” She stands back up and draws in a long breath, “You must arrive alive to Ozai and we will make sure of it. Don’t pretend you’re in control here, Firelord. You’re not.”

Zuko hears her leaving finally, locking the door firmly behind her. She left the tray inches away from his face. Once he is certain her footsteps are far enough, he lets himself drop, stiffness leaving him, adrenaline suddenly gone. 

His face is sore as well as his wrists and ankles from bring chained. He has never felt so fatigued in his entire life. 

Zuko isn’t sure of a lot of things. He isn’t sure if Sokka is going to come looking for him, he isn’t sure if he can escape on his own, he isn’t sure how long he’s going to survive and if he can do anything about it. He doesn’t know exactly who these people are, or what is in it for them. He has no clue what is going to happen. There are a lot of unknowns, a lot of loose ends.

But Zuko is certain of one thing. 

He isn’t going to let his father kill him, he will do anything to prevent that. Even if it means taking control of his own death. 

Zuko stares at the tray of food and flings it as far away in his cell that he can. A flick of the wrist and it goes flying. He won’t eat. He’d rather starve then make his father happy. 

He hopes Sokka hurries and finds them, or he hopes that Sokka will understand why he gave up. 

Why he has to die. 

_Sokka has to understand why Zuko has to die_. 

This new plan of Zuko’s doesn’t bring him any more hope, but it brings him a hint of satisfaction. Although that isn’t enough to help him drown out the cold. The awful cold. 

Getting colder, and colder, and colder. 

His soul is growing cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my favorite people and welcome back to this shitshow!! thank you so much for joining me again and reading <3\. 
> 
> quick question: i am fully aware that some aspects of this fic are a bit dark at times (mainly zuko being self destructive and having self harmful tendencies) so i was wondering if i should up the rating to mature? would that be unnecessary or more accurate? or would putting trigger warnings at the beginning be better? i just don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or reading something they find triggering. if anyone wants to give me their opinion on this in the comments it would be really appreciated. if not, i’ll probably just leave it at teens as of now. 
> 
> anyway, this chapter. lmfao not me referencing the title in the chapter aHa that would be so cringey. wouldn’t be me lol. 
> 
> also say hi to the kidnapping team xx. give them a warm welcome. 
> 
> next chapter is EXCITING. stick arounddd it will be worth it. 
> 
> kudos and comments make me happy <3 <3\. go mad please. i appreciate anything and everything. THANK YOU AGAIN for reading, it means the world. and i’ll see you next week!! enjoy!! <3.


	14. he can't lose him too

Admittedly, Sokka had been looking for a reason to reunite the whole gang for a while now, but things were different, people had changed, and the more time that passed the more difficult it became. It hadn’t been too long, but still, a few months feels like forever when you spend it away from your best friends. However, these said friends were busy being awesome, ruling the world, protecting the peace, and being an inspiration for the rest of the people to follow. Aang is the Avatar, Katara a master water bender, Toph a master earth and metal bender, Suki leader of the Kyoshi Warriors and Zuko is the Firelord. With a group of friends of such incredible people, Sokka sometimes feels like he is the odd one out, the one who means the least to the world. All the more reason for him to be insecure and feel useless, especially now.

He wishes that he could say with certainty that the Southern Water Tribe, with him leading them, could easily track down Zuko and find him, but he knows that not only is that uncertain, it’s also selfish. Grouping together his powerful friends makes it countless times more likely for them to defeat whomever had kidnapped Zuko, but it feels like he is admitting that he alone isn’t enough. Sokka alone isn’t enough to save Zuko. That hurts to admit, but Sokka pushes away the guilt because any feeling other than determination right now is just going to get into his way.

Writing his messages to the gang, he tries not to come off as desperate, but also highlights this as something that should be of their utmost importance.

Sokka and Mai stage a meeting with the council. Right now, Sokka is finding that the only people he can completely trust are Mai, Hakoda, Gran Gran and Bato. Everyone else is a suspect and could’ve been involved in this whole endeavor. Sure, some of them are childhood friends and practically family from the past, but it had been a long while since Sokka had properly bonded with any of them since he was gone for so long, and over that amount of time, any of them could have changed. He isn’t taking any chances.

There is a lot of chatter and talk when Sokka pushes the curtain and enters the igloo with Mai. He takes a seat where he normally does, beside his Dad, and he can feel people’s eyes burning into his side, as if they are expecting some sort of reaction or abnormality from him. Sokka isn’t serving them anything. He probably has bags under his eyes and the look of someone who had their life torn from them on his face, but he won’t give anyone the satisfaction of seeing him lose it completely. Salty flowing tears and desperate hiccups of sobbing won’t happen here, not now, when any of these people could have helped be the cause of them.

“Quiet now.” Hakoda’s strong voice breaks through the buzz of talking. Hakoda had been giving Sokka some space, which he appreciated, but the glances of concern and pity don’t go unnoticed. If anything comes out of this horrible situation, Sokka hopes it’s that his father realizes just how much Sokka cares about Zuko.

“Obviously, this situation is extremely stressful. The Firelord disappearing while being on Water Tribe land is a big deal, and could cause plenty of speculations and negative assumptions from not only the Fire Nation, but everyone, and we cannot afford to have that right now. This could be seen as a major breach in the world peace.”

Hakoda then glances at Sokka and gives him a short nod, “As well as this, Firelord Zuko is our friend, our ally. We must all do everything we can to try and help solve this, we owe it to him.”

Some people nod in agreement, but Sokka doesn’t miss the way that others glare at Hakoda. He would stand up and give them a lecture on how amazing Zuko is, where he has come from and all of the great things he has done as Firelord, but he knows that now really isn’t the time and no amount of shouting can make them forget the bitter past with the Fire Nation.

“We have very limited information on what actually happened, but we do know that we found a pile of blood and some burnt away snow south of the village. We also know that this happened here, on our ground, while the Firelord was visiting us publicly, meaning that anyone here could have been behind or assisting in this attack.”

A small round of gasps goes around the room as people realize what Hakoda is insinuating. Sokka catches Mai rolling her eyes in the corner of his gaze.

“According to his guards, Zuko refused to be escorted by them, and then proceeded to walk up south at night. Does anyone have any additional information or did anyone see anything that same night?” Hakoda asks looking around the room as most people exchange a brisk shake of the head. He pauses for a moment, but nobody says a word.

“You’re telling me that on this night, _nobody_ happened to see the Firelord walking towards the south or anything in that general direction? That no one saw any suspicious behavior at all that night?” Hakoda reiterates, resting his hands on the table in front of him while standing. He raises his eyebrow in suspicion and makes eye contact with every person at the meeting.

Silence. Mai sighs beside Sokka.

“This is going nowhere,” she mutters grimly, “I shouldn't have told Zuko to talk to you.”

“What? You told him to talk to me? Why?” Sokka whips around to face her. He had no idea about that. Mai was encouraging Zuko to talk to him? Why would she do that?

“Well, you were both being complete idiots and I knew for a fact that he was avoiding you. Besides we only came because of you, he just needed to stop being stupid, so I pushed him to talk to you. I didn’t realize that you two were so mad at each other and that it would lead to this.” She gestures around them at the meeting. Someone is yet to speak up about additional information and Hakoda is shaking his head dismissively.

Sokka bites the inside of his lip in frustration to the point where he tastes blood.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t either.” He grunts, turning back around.

It’s a good thing letters travel fast nowadays, because Team Avatar arrives the very next day. Seeing Appa fly and land promptly onto the snow of the Southern Water Tribe brings a bittersweet feeling to Sokka. _He can’t do this alone, he alone isn’t enough_.

Once he sees Aang waving on the top of Appa’s head though, holding Katara’s hand next to him, the feeling of guilt subsides and is replaced with one of happiness. Aang looks like he’s grown a good few inches taller and Katara looks great as always. Behind them he can make out Toph clinging to the side of Appa’s saddle and Suki looking serious and determined.

He waves back tentatively.

“Sokka! It’s so good to see you!” Aang rushes up and crushes Sokka into a hug. Yeah, he has definitely grown, but Sokka will never admit that.  
“Good to see you too, buddy.” He pats the top of Aang’s bald head.

The second he is released from Aang, Katara grabs his hand and pulls him into an embrace, her eyes already watery.  
“Katara, hey.” Sokka says into her shoulder. She pulls back and holds Sokka’s arms firmly, staring into his eyes.  
“This isn’t fair. How did this even happen in the first place?” She says sternly, but Sokka knows she isn’t mad at him, rather at the situation.  
“Reunions first, serious talk later.” Sokka shrugs her off and whips around to Suki.

“Suki!” He yells and runs up to hug her. She smiles warmly and hugs back.  
“Hi Sokka.” Her smile slowly turns to a frown, “Are you okay? With everything that is-?”  
“Yep! Fine, thanks.” He interrupts and eyes around them, he has one more person he needs to greet. He spots Toph standing somewhat unsteadily beside Appa, balancing on the ice.

As soon as Sokka rushes over to greet her, she puts up a hand to stop him.  
“The ice is enough to make me uncomfortable, I don’t need a hug too.” She huffs.  
“Well, it’s too bad you don’t have a choice.” He smiles and picks her up from the shoulders by hugging her. He thinks he catches a small grin on her face.

Toph punches his arm roughly, but Sokka knows her well enough to see it as affection, but then she punches again much harder.  
“Hey.” He complains rubbing his arm.  
“That’s for losing Sparky.” She says, “You should be glad I’m not thrusting you into space for that one.”

“Are you guys done being gross? We have actual work to do here.” Mai interrupts plainly, staring at them with something that looks like it’s meant to be disgust, but just seems like fondness instead. Sokka had already forgotten then she was there the whole time.

“Oh, hi Mai!” Aang waves innocently and Mai looks taken aback.  
“Hi.” She mutters.

Aang, Katara, Suki and Toph then greet Hakoda and Bato as well. Everyone mostly looks really happy and Sokka wishes that the circumstances were different. Katara hugs both of them, Aang awkwardly bows, but then gets pulled into a hug ultimately, and even Toph is a victim to the fatherly bear hugs both of them give. Everyone is together again, everyone reunited. They can make memories again, laugh again, fight off bad people again, bond together, because everyone is here now.

Everyone except Zuko.

Despite that, it feels normal. It is almost normal. Almost.

It’s a mixed feeling reunion to say the least. Sokka can’t tell if grouping everyone together makes him feel better and more distracted about the lack of Zuko, or if it just highlights the incompletion of them all.

There is so much going on already the minute they all arrive, planning and discussing, catching everyone up to date that Sokka doesn’t have a free moment with any of them, until Katara pulls him aside. She’s the only one he really knows the full deal, and especially where Sokka stands in it, other than Mai, but her and Sokka are exactly close.

“Sokka, are you sure you’re okay?” The maternal shine in her eyes is coming through strong and Sokka doesn’t know how long she can look at them without letting everything out. Thinking about the last time they talked, and how naive he was then, just adds to the background pain of everything.  
“It doesn’t matter what I am Katara, we need to find him.” He manages to say in his serious, leader type voice.  
“Of course, and we will, don’t worry about that. How were things when he was here? Did you two talk things through?” Her voice is too soft and too caring for him not to feel bad for worrying her. Oh and how Sokka wishes she hadn’t asked.

“Mhm, things were … great.” He squeaks.  
“Sokka. Did things not go well?” Now she’s furrowing her brow and Sokka didn’t think it was even possible for him to feel like more of a burden.  
“No, yeah, no, seriously.” Well that didn’t make sense, “I mean, yes. Things went well. It was great to see him. We … talked.”

Katara looks at him with utter confusion and he shoots a sloppy grin and a shrug at her.  
“Well, nice to catch up, good to see you too Katara, now we should really go back to the others to talk planning.” He quickly adds, pushing Katara towards the team.  
“You’re acting really weird, but okay. Just I’m here for you, alright?” She sighs and Sokka nods enthusiastically.

There is no way she bought any of that crap, but Sokka would rather not cry about how fucked up his romantic life is to his baby sister right now.

During the day, they all agree on a simple plan. Evidence suggests that Zuko was taken somewhere, but they couldn’t have gone far just yet. Hakoda, Bato and other warriors will scout the surrounding land looking for any more clues or indications as to where they may be that they might have left behind. In the meantime, Sokka and the rest of Team Avatar, as well as Mai, will ride Appa and survey the nearby waters and ocean, looking out for any enemy boats or ships that they could be escaping in. Typically, Appa flies faster than most ships, so even though they would have had a significant head start, they can still catch up.

Mai thinks that if they would’ve taken Zuko anywhere, it would be back to the Fire Nation, so they have agreed to fly in that general direction first.

It’s a good plan, but Sokka is still concerned. If this doesn’t work, if nobody finds anything, then they are screwed. This plan is all they have, if it fails they have nothing left. They have nothing to go on, no more indications as to where they may be or what they want, and they could spend their whole lives searching the world and still find nothing.

This has to work, because nothing else will. _They have to find something_.

As soon as they come up with the plan, they begin to pack to leave. There is one thing that is crucial to this mission, and that’s time. Any spent wasted and the chances of finding Zuko get slimmer and slimmer.

Nobody is too happy that Team Avatar is departing again the day that they arrived, but it can’t be helped. They all say their goodbyes and hug, promising to reconvene at the South Pole in three days, even if they find nothing. Sokka tightly shuts his mouth when they promise this, he isn’t in any agreement with it. He’ll go to hell and come back if it means finding Zuko.

While he’s hugging Bato goodbye and receiving some half-assed ‘goodlucks’ from others, Bato asks him softly,  
“You sure you’re up for this, Sokka?”  
“Of course I am.” He nods back, fierceness in his expression like never before.  
“I know this is very personal to you, so we’d all understand if you wanted to sit this one out.” He says slowly, but Sokka is already shaking his head before he finishes. He has been left behind before, when he was a little boy, and he is never going to be left alone again. He already feels like he isn’t doing enough, staying behind and watching from the sidelines is hardly going to make that any better.

“I’m going to find Zuko, and I’m going to bring him home.” It’s a promise, not a wish. Sokka knows this is his heart.  
“Okay.” Bato squeezes his shoulder, “Just make sure you come home safely too or your Dad will be pissed.”  
“I will.” Sokka promises again and smiles at the man.

Sokka is going to come home with Zuko, or he’s not going to come home at all.

They spend the first portion of flying chatting and catching up, although Sokka just mainly listens. It secretly infuriates him how everyone is acting like this is some normal trip, like one of their friends isn’t potentially _dying_ right now at someone else’s hands. Who knows what they might find, if they find anything? Sokka would rather not think about the possibilities.

“And you would never believe what we found in the air temples! Scrolls containing ancient bending techniques which-”

Aang was off recalling another story, when Sokka finally felt his temper get the best of him.

“That all sounds great Aang, but I would really rather if we focus on the plan.” Sokka can’t help but cut through. He feels a pang of guilt when he sees Aang’s smile fade away.  
“Sokka, let Aang finish the story.” Katara butts in, giving Sokka a disapproving look.  
“I’m sorry, but is the _story_ going to get us any closer to finding Zuko? No, no I don’t think it will.” He says accusingly.  
“Cheer up, Snoozles. Complaining isn’t going to get us closer either.” Toph says and Suki gently takes his shoulder.  
“Sokka, we understand that you’re upset, but Aang was just trying to pass the time a bit. It’s not like there is anything we can plan right now.” She reassures.

Sokka moves out of her grip.  
“I’m not _upset _,__ okay? I just wanted some time to focus and think. Forget it.”

_“Forget it, I’m going for a walk.”_   
_“Wait!”_   
_“I said forget it.”_

He freezes as he hears Zuko’s voice in his head so clearly. Dammit, why does everything remind Sokka of him? That warm rasp and subtle lisp, yet a voice that was so filled with tiredness and clear annoyance at Sokka. That was the last thing he said to him.

What if that is the last thing he ever says to him?

Tui and La, Sokka wouldn’t survive it.

“Sokka.”  
He realizes he is just barely holding back tears, clutching too tightly at the saddle of Appa, Suki and the others looking at him confused and concerned.  
“I said-” he starts quietly, but his voice brakes and he can’t bring himself to say it.

Those last words. Those treacherous words that mean a million things to Sokka that the others don’t understand. There is still so much that they don’t know. He almost hopes that they never know how things ended, they might hate Sokka if they find out the full story. Who knows which side they would take? Sokka is already so ashamed, he can’t bring himself to allow his friends and family to be disappointed too.

Just thinking about his name hurt. Why did everything hurt? Why did everything remind him of Zuko? Why was everything a stab to the heart? Why couldn’t he just enjoy being with his friends and actually focus on planning something instead of just sitting moping in his feelings being a waste of space and to be an inconvenience for everyone?

The water filling and flooding in his mind, turning and whirling, waves crashing so hard they are deadly and each drop of water trying relentlessly to escape. It’s a dam waiting to burst open in his mind. Thoughts craving to spill out. He can only plaster on a lopsided smile and laugh it off for so long. At some stage he is bound to crack open, bound to break. Who knows what’ll happen when it happens? The pressure is only building up.

He swallows and pushes the concern away for now. It can wait. His problems and feelings can wait. They can wait until he can hold the man he loves again.

“Forget it.”

For whatever reason, Aang doesn’t continue his story and instead they sit with a silent tension choking the air. Sokka now wishes he had just clapped his mouth shut and dealt with it, the silence is so uncomfortable it feels unbearable.

More time passes, Sokka’s skin soaking up the last of the sun’s warmth as it begins to fade past the horizon. They’ve had no luck finding anything, but at least some of the awkwardness has subsided with time. Unless, that’s what Sokka thinks until Suki taps his shoulder again later on.

“Sokka, are you okay?” Suki asks quietly enough that only Sokka can hear her, and damn he is tired of being asked the same question over and over. Sure, attention can be nice sometimes, but not when you are actively trying to keep yourself together because you are one push away from losing it completely.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Sokka smiles, but he knows it looks forced.  
“Zuko’s missing.” She deadpans.  
“Yeah, and? That angry jerk always gets himself in trouble. I’m sure he’ll be fine.” He swats his hand in a direction for emphasis.

“Okay, if you say so. Just know you can talk to me, okay?” She furrows her brows and the concern doesn’t leave her eyes, but Sokka trusts that she won’t push him to talk.  
“Yep.” He nods sharply and looks back at the horizon.

Vulnerability tastes bitter in Sokka’s mouth, even to his best friend. He trusts Suki with the world and he knows she trusts him back, but talking about pain and being open feels so foreign to him, it’s a language he is yet to learn.

So he’ll continue to tell himself, Zuko is fine, Zuko is _always fine_.

It’s not a lie exactly, but it’s not guaranteed either. Zuko is maybe, possibly, potentially fine.

Except for when he’s not. Except for when he’s trembling at night and waking up shouting. Except for when he having Sokka promise that he actually wants to be there and doesn’t just feel bad for Zuko. Except for when Sokka has to talk him down because he’s panicking over something insignificant. Except for when he tries so hard to hide his past and hide his pain, because he thinks to be the best leader he also has to be a perfect person and suffering isn’t perfect.

Except for every flaw he has and every time he relies on Sokka, then he’s not always fine.

And except for when he’s missing, and there’s a chance that he’s dying.

Just like last time, with the lightning.

Sokka can’t lose anyone else. _He can’t_. So yeah, he’s fine and Zuko is too. Maybe if he says it to himself enough times, it will be true.

Adventures and friends, detective work and mysteries, these were all things that Sokka thoroughly enjoyed. He loved the adrenaline of fighting, the power it fills him with, he loved the satisfaction of solving something, putting all of the pieces together. He loved inventing things, making plans, allowing all of his creative juices to flow because that is where he felt in his element, that is where he felt needed and special.

He also loved the way in which Zuko would stand by every plan he made and complement him. He liked how he showed genuine interest and excitement for Sokka, how even if everyone else doubted and questioned Sokka, Zuko wouldn’t, he trusted him with absolutely everything and Sokka had no idea what to do with that. Sokka truly believes that Zuko thinks he’s some sort of genius, and it feels amazing to finally be the best in something.

That extra boost of confidence and encouragement is missing now though.

The waves push in the ocean, water fills every meter of the surrounding area, all the way up to the horizon. Empty water and clear skies, not a boat in sight. The breeze brushes Sokka’s hair, cooling his flushed cheeks and swaying his warrior’s wolf tail. Time drags on and on, while there is still nothing in sight. 

By nightfall they were still flying through the sky without a single boat or anything being spotted, just empty plains of water. Sokka had never wanted to find an enemy boat so quickly, but they didn’t even know if they were heading in the right direction, let alone if they took a boat, let alone if they had Zuko. Things weren’t looking great, and everyone knew this. Appa can only fly for so long at any given time, and he’ll need to rest by tomorrow night at least.

Sokka had volunteered to take the reins for the night, since Aang desperately needed some rest from not only flying now, but bringing everyone to the South Pole in the first place. He is sleeping now, his head resting on Katara’s shoulder and hers resting on top of his. Toph is asleep too, curled into a ball in the saddle snoring softly, it’s always nice to see her let her guard down for once and just look like the young girl she is. Not a master earth bender and metal bender, just Toph.

Suki is the only one who drifted in and out of sleep, asking Sokka if he wanted to swap places and get some rest every time she woke up. She cares, that is for sure, but Sokka doesn’t want to rest, he doesn’t want to get any sleep. He’ll rest when Zuko rests and not a second before that.

As he holds the reins in his hands tightly and stares out into the horizon searching for anything other than waves, anything that could help lead them to Zuko, the moon light shines down onto his face. The stars in the South Pole, are somewhat of a miracle, glimmering so brightly and clearly, each constellation sparking and visible. Each with a childhood story or legend connected to them, one that would be told by the fireplace in the dead of the night by his mother or father, as they explained with passion the importance of the stars. They feel nostalgic to Sokka, and warm. The sky is a work of art, one saturated with illuminating speckles through the endless darkness of the night.

Of course, to top it all off, the moon glows as a crescent high in the sky, shifting the tides of the very water they are flying above. The moon has so much meaning to Sokka, it is always so emotive and if he thinks about it too much, the memories cause him to either have a meltdown, a laugh, or for him to see things from a different perspective, to be grateful for life.

Tonight though, it brings none of those. Tonight as the pale yellow hue fills Sokka’s vision and taints the world around them, he doesn’t reminisce on old, distant memories. Instead he chants something new in his mind, something persistent and uncontrollable, filling the silence of the night with his loud, repetitive thoughts.

Tonight he thinks over and over,

_“I can’t lose him too. I can’t lose Zuko too.”_

And who is to tell if the Spirits are listening?

Who is to tell anything at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy march to all of my best friends. thank you so much for reading!! <3
> 
> me changing the summary fourteen fucking chapters in?? nah, you saw nothing. 
> 
> sorry this took a day or two longer than usual, although i quite like how it turned out so i think the extra time was worth it. we finally get to see the gaang!! yay!! more fun times coming ahead. 
> 
> if you have read all of this and are continuing to read this stupid fic, then please know you have my whole heart. i appreciate it so much, honestly. kudos and comments also really inspire me to write faster as well fyi. let me know you thoughts I'm the comments <3 <3 
> 
> i don't really have much more to say other than THANK YOU AGAIN AHHH. okay, enjoy your week everyone and i'll see you soon.


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